Bradfields' Brain

The Move

2007-03-13T16:28:00.000Z

I have moved.

http://www.bradfieldsbrain.com/blog

The Random Photos

2007-01-18T23:05:00.000Z

Ok, ok, so yeah, it has been ages since I posted....again. I've got a million and one excuses but none of them are worth hearing. But here I am, about to blog for the first time in 2007 so lets have a little bit of appreciation please!!

Let's have a little catch up on the months gone by

Jurassic 5 - the daddies

Mmm, pie!!!

A table, it really doesn't get more exciting than this

The Sunshine Underground - check out the quality of that shot

December, time to do some washing!

It's Christmas time, and the office dog is dressed up. Just like most office parties.

9:30pm, the day I finished work for Christmas

A christmas card, from Smithers I believe

My pooch, in an unorthodox sleeping position

Drunk again...it is the New Year after all!

The Mystery Product

2006-12-19T18:26:00.000Z

I use a browser plugin called StumbleUpon quite a bit. It adds a little button to your browser that takes you to a random website that someone else had recommended each time you click it. This is a pretty good way to discover new sites and find amusing articles that you would never have otherwise found.

While stumbling this afternoon I was sent on a little journey to this site

Click here to view site

which is selling a rather bizarre product.

Unfortunately the site is in German and so I have no idea why there is a picture of a vibrator attached to an iPod. Perhaps one of my German blogging friends can enlighten us all!!

The Party Trick

2006-11-08T11:56:00.000Z

Last night while out drinking with my work mates I witnessed a strange event. We were sat in a bar, called O Bar, that has two levels and the stairs come down into the main bar where we were drinking.

So, all of a sudden there was a loud crash a we just saw a guy fall, from about half way up the stairs, down onto the floor. It looked like he'd landed on his head and there was a half sympathetic groan from most of the people sat around. The guy got up, rubbed his head a bit and went about his business claiming to be ok. His mates were having a good old chuckle about it and so with everyone healthy and no blood spilt on the floor we carried on with our night out.

About quarter of an hour later I crossed paths with one of the friends of the guy who had fallen. "Is your mate ok?" I asked, "That really looked like it hurt!"

The friend, who was wearing a fantastic, chequered, lumberjack style shirt I must add, just laughed.

"That's his party trick!" he said "He just chucks himself down stairs for fun."

I just looked at the guy in disbelief

"He's much better when he's wearing his slippy shoes you know" the friend added as he left.

Wonders never cease!

The Work Do

2006-11-07T17:35:00.000Z

Tonight I am going out for dinner and drinks with colleagues from work. Tonight it is actually someone's leaving do, but at the company where I work we do tend to go out at the end of every month just for a bit of a get together. I find this a good thing to do but in general it does seem like something that happens less and less. People who work together seem less inclined to hang out together outside office hours and to some people the thought of getting drunk with the people they work with is positively intimidating or boring - who wants to spend a night out talking shop right?!? The first time I went out with my boss I managed to get seriously drunk and have a go at him about how much he paid me, I don't even really remember doing this but it worked as I got a pay rise and two years later I'm still working in the same place so I did something right!!

So, do you drink with your boss??

Do you worry about getting into trouble for your behaviour on a night out and therefore avoid going out with work buddies at all?

Are your work mates just dicks and not people you want to be seen with?

I'd be interested to hear what you have to say!

The Pinnacle of Security

2006-11-06T20:29:00.000Z

Earlier this year the whole nation was converted to "Chip and PIN". For those unaware, this was the scheme which stopped shops using the magnetic strip on the back of your bank cards and your completely unique signature and replaced it instead with a little chip and a four digit code to use instead.

At the time there were adverts everywhere telling you how it was going to make your money more secure, how it was going to make sure your identity was harder to steal and how it would help you keep that athletes foot problem under control.

But, as I was using the cash point this morning I saw a little sticker on top of the cash machine saying "WATCH OUT: Who's looking over your shoulder?? PIN thieves operate in this area" and it got me thinking. Have we just made it easier for people to steal from us?

Now, instead of having to forge someone's signature to use their card in a shop, all you need to do is know their PIN. OK, so it was always possible to steal someone's card and then withdraw money from their bank if you knew their PIN, but if you were going to go in a shop you'd at least have to have the balls to have a go at the signature and face the risk of getting busted. I myself was once working in a shop when a young lad tried to pay for some goods using some lady's credit card. Fortunately, being the astute individual I am, I noticed this and refused to let him use the card - these days you don't even have to hand the card to the shop assistant in most cases.

People who have more than one card are also quite likely to use the same PIN for every card. Banks tell you not to do this, but I reckon there are still a lot of people who do. In an age where you have to remember so many passwords and secret words already, how many people really want to rememeber three or four different PINs as well? This means if someone watches you at a cash point, gets your PIN, nicks you wallet and heads off shopping they're quite able to acquire several grand off you if you've got a credit card or two.

And, how much easier is it for these people to steal you PIN considering you now have to stand and type it in in front of a queue of people every time you use your card in a shop!!

I don't know, there must be some logic somewhere, but it doesn't make sense to me.

The War Zone

2006-11-05T23:47:00.000Z

Today was Guy Fawkes night here in England, a time when we celebrate some dude getting busted for trying to blow up a load of politicians. Quite why we celebrate this I don't know. Maybe if the guy had succeeded I could see the real appeal!!

These days the meaning of the whole thing seems to have been a little forgotten and it is more just a chance for the Chinese to import a shit load of dodgy fireworks and for irresponsible shopkeepers to sell them to ten year old kids so that they can go and fire them in each others faces. For several days around Guy Falkes night it sounds a bit like Beirut with explosions going off every few seconds along with sirens as the ambulances race to pick up the mutilated children.

Myself and a few friends indulged in a little of the firework fun ourselves as well as having a kickass bonfire, which helped to keep us warm along with the Stella and whiskey we consumed.

The fireworks purchased were not the most expensive available (buy one box get one box free at Tesco) but this contributed to the enjoyment of the evening as we got to laugh at the way some of them were absolutely pathetic. The rockets in particular shot of with a huge whoosh which you expected to be followed by a deafening bang. In reality I could probably have made a louder noise by clapping.

Here are some photos of the event. I'll leave the pictures pictures to do the talking as I'm sure you'll agree they are of the highest quality and need no explanation!!

The Failure?

2006-11-05T01:43:00.000Z

And so, on just day four, I've missed the deadline. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be to come up with something to write about everyday. Because I don't really want to start writing about what I do on a day to day basis I have to find other shit to write about, and on a day when I've done nothing but sleep and get high that can be a little tough.

To me this should still count. I've thought about blogging a lot today but just not been able to come up with a worthy topic, and to me this is still Saturday despite the fact that it is technically Sunday. It's all technicalities really!

Look, you got something, I could be sleeping now, I'll try double hard tomorrow alright!!

The Creativity

2006-11-03T21:15:00.000Z

What the fuck is going on?? When did art become some sort of crazy bullshit where you can just splodge some paint on a canvas and people will pay a ridiculous amount of money for it?? Where did I go wrong?? Should I have been in the crowd sploding the paint?? Would I be richer now if I had?

I drink in a bar where they like to have what they would describe as "modern art" on the walls, we're talking plain white canvases with slightly raised white bumps, random pin boards with string randomly scattered all over the place, anything. Generally the art forms part of a student project but still, is this really the best that our new generation can come up with?? Is there no true creativity anymore?? Do they really have to do something so obscure that people stand, look, and say "what the fuck is that??" just to make an impact??

Whatever happened to real art? What happened to still life? What's wrong with a good old portrait nowadays??

I hate to sound old fashioned but I just don't believe in all this new age shit. I'm not a great art lover in general, but I'd still rather see a picture that someone has painted of a beautiful countryside scene than a random collection of colour that someone has thrown together with a really inventive title such as "Life in a cage" or "Spunk on a hotel bed". Give me strength. This shit is whack!

The Misunderstanding

2006-11-02T18:39:00.000Z

Last night I was telling the missus about a shopping centre I had visited during my holiday to Malaysia earlier this year. This shopping centre was the home of all the expensive shops and was quite easily the plushest shopping centre I have ever visited. So anyway, in describing the place I said "it smells like a brand new spanking five star hotel", but as I looked up at the missus I could immediately see the confusion on her face.

"Did you just say spunk?" she replied.

It took me a moment to realise the significance of what she'd said and realise that she thought I'd said "it smells like brand new spunk in a five star hotel".

Now there's a pleasant thought!

Spunk in a five star hotel
(image censored for our younger readers)

The Scribbling (update)

2006-11-02T12:51:00.001Z

Who's your daddy!!

The Divide

2006-11-01T17:56:00.000Z

The Watford Gap is, without a doubt, one of the most famous locations in the UK. As the most recognisable marker on the border between England and Scotland it is a place of great legend and mystery, and is the centre of a lot of jokes and banter between those in 'The North' and those in 'The South'.

From Wikipedia - "Those living north of the Watford Gap claim that it is the point where humour, humility and humanity begins. Southerners respond by claiming that it is the line where well being, self respect and spirit end."

Originally the site of an important coaching inn, 'Da Gap' as it is know to modern youth, has witnessed numerous significant events over the years. Those events include the Inn Keeper being the first to master both the English and Scottish languages, that speech by the Braveheart bloke when he had his face painted blue and white, and the first Scotland v England drinking competition. The drinking competition is particularly interesting as it was won by the English. This was an unexpected result and led to all Scots giving their children Scotch Whiskey from birth in an attempt to toughen them up. Scientists have not conclusively proved it, but this is generally credited as the reason 99% of Scots now have more than a slight drinking problem.

Forget what all those maps say. Bradfields' Brain tells it like it really is!

Now the home of the finest service station on the M1 motorway, where coffee only costs £2.75 a cup, The Watford Gap is a place I would implore all guests in the UK to visit. One important point to remember however, if crossing from England into Scotland you must remember to take some coal to spend as the pound was abolished by the Scots in 1962.

The Scribbling (not dribbling)

2006-11-01T13:34:00.000Z

Today I played a fun game where I got to draw things with a multicoloured pencil.

One day Mummy says I might be allowed to use a pen but only if I get to level four standard.

My friends who colour in for a living best be better at this game than me!!

The Challenge II

2006-11-01T08:04:00.000Z

And so my month of blogging begins today. I wonder if doing this will get me into some sort of habit and then I'll actually write more regularly once November is gone. Who knows?!?

Anyway, this isn't going to be my only post of the day so don't all start slagging me off in the comments just yet. As I said to Steve I am going to try and write something in my normal style each day rather than this blog becoming "today i got up, scratched my arse and went to work" because as much as I know that stuff gets you all pretty excited, it bores me.

I just wanted to let anyone looking know that I hadn't forgotten that I said I'd do this!

The Challenge

2006-10-20T14:01:00.000Z

Inspired by fellow blogger JaG, I have decided to take part in NaBloPoMo. This means that I will have to blog every single day for the whole of November. This is going to be a serious challenge for me, but hey, this blogging ain't all glamour right!!

Let's have some bets now, who reckons I'm going to manage it. I'm going with a big fat "Yes no problem" but then I have always been a pretty optimistic person.

The Adoption

2006-10-11T12:07:00.000Z

Reports today suggest that Madonna has adopted a one-year-old boy in Malawi. There have been numerous stories in the press over the last few days suggesting that this may happen and despite the fact that it has not been officially confirmed by Madonna, it does seem that this is a "done deal" so to speak.

Am I the only one who finds this whole "celebrity adoption" thing a little bit strange. I'm sure many people out there will argue that people like Angelina Jolie are doing a fine service to the World community, that they are really making a difference and that there example will lead many others to strive to achieve better things. I say bollocks.

Brad and Angelina - Saving the World Celeb Style

I can see it now, the publicist sat with Guy Richie and Madonna explaining what they should do

"Ohhh my gawd. You just have to get in on this new fad. It's the AA for non drunk celebs like yourselves - Adopt an African!! Just look what its done for Brad and Angelina, people have forgotten about him mistreating Jennifer, they're looked at as a proper Hollywood family. That's what you want right?? That's what you want!!"

And Madge will be sat there thinking "Maybe if I do this all those Christians will extend their forgiveness for my insensitive stage act and my performances in all those movies over the years. They might even forgive me for Evita!! It'll be just great for my PR!!"

The whole thing just reminds me of one of The Slobs sketches from the series Harry Enfield and Chums which my English friends may well remember.

"But Guy, I want a brown baby!"

Tags Madonna, Adoption, Slobs

The Weekend Away

2006-09-21T18:32:00.001Z

Hello Blogosphere!!

First off I'd like to apologise once again to my readers for my absence over the last few weeks. I wish I could say that I had been doing something highly interesting like circumnavigating the Isle of Wight, or investigating the growing trend in wearing short skirts and wellington boots at music festivals, but alas no. As my last post stated I have instead been working.

I have managed to fit in a bit of leisure time over the last few weeks of course, including a weekend away at the internationally renound "Center Parcs" in Elvenden Forest, Suffolk. This dome enclosed tropical paradise has a reputation for being some sort of Butlins in disguise, but reality, I have to say, it is actually alright.

Ok, so yes there are pikey families about the place with their loud, screaming, obnoxious children, but the majority of these can be avoided by not hanging around in the densely chavved up areas such as the disco, adventure playground and the bowling alley. We did break these rules on one evening and were unfortunate enough to run into "G - Man" when we took part in a bit of ten pin action.

Now you would think that someone who displayed their name on a big TV screen as "G - Man" in public would at least have some sort of vaguely reputable geezer name such as Gazza, Gal or Gav....oh no. In fact, we established that his name was....Graham. So what, I hear all people called Graham shout, what's wrong with our name?? Well nothing, except if you then try to be a big man and call youself G - Man, or G - Dog, or G-Unit or pretty much G anything except G-raham. It is just wrong!! Disagree?? Lets have a look at some other people called Graham and then see what you think.

Mr Graham Norton - The Queen of Television

Graham Coxon from Blur - check that sensible haircut

And Goochy - check out that tash!!

To make matters even worse, my good friend Jimmy Hill (not actually Jimmy Hill but you'd think it from his chin!!) pointed out that our Graham was "a skinny little runt who dressed like a nob, had an ugly bird, an ass like a sewer and I believe he may have bowled with the barriers up" . In my opinion this was a perfectly accurate description and it should act as a warning to you about the kind of people you can run into at Center Parcs. It can be a dangerous place!

Also, the amount of parents at the place with their kids was a disgrace. The Government should send out some sort of inspector to these places to bust all the parents who have taken their kids out of school two weeks after the end of the summer holidays in order to take them swimming everyday and slap them in public. Personally I think it is bad enough that I can't go on holiday during the actual summer because it either costs twice as much as normal, or that places are rammed with kids, without going away in September only to discover the little fuckers still aren't at school!! OK so myself and my friends may have been the worst behaved people in the swimming pool, but that isn't the point, I'm allowed to be on holiday in September, they shouldn't be!

Why are you here??? Shouldn't you be failing SATs or something

Anyway, I seem to have digressed into pikey abuse and away from the fact that I was saying that Center Parcs is actually a pretty decent place despite the pikeys and we had a good time. We swam, played some golf and some pool and then just generally drank and sat about a lot. We also consumed a copious quantity of barbequed food.

When it comes to a group of men and BBQ the first thing is to remember that you shouldn't hold back. If there are six lads attending a BBQ then six burgers and six sausages is just never going to be enough food. A good BBQ brings out the primal, meat eating savage in every man and he is going to skip all the salad, pasta, rice etc that you have on the side and go for a pretty much 100% meat based meal. This may not even be because he isn't into all the greenery and shit that you've laid on, it is just a subconscious decision because at the end of the day, all men know that barbequed meat is the best and most nutricious food on the food chain.

Ok, so we didn't eat any luncheon meat

We were of course the BBQ kings and ate flesh from every corner of the farmyard. Pig, chicken, baby sheep - we ate the lot and then some all cooked up on the £10 BBQ we bought from the onsite supermarket (they have all the mod cons you know!!)

And then I said, "I never liked it in the shape of a weasel anyway"

Several of the pictures above were shamelessly stolen from http://rightcoastruminations.blogspot.com/

The Apology

2006-08-21T10:33:00.000Z

Just a quick post to apologise, again, for my lack of blogs. I do have a couple of things lined up to write about but I am working too much at the moment and can't be bothered to look at a computer screen when I get home.

I'll try to get something up for y'all today, mainly cos I'm gagging to take the piss out of flight attendants!

The Lessons

2006-08-01T22:32:00.000Z

I heard an amusing story in the pub this evening that I wanted to share with you all. The story involves a little known chinese herbal madicine called "Mystic Dragon". This medicine supposedly replicates the effects of Viagra, but it is a natural drug rather than a laboratory produced one.

I first heard about the existence of these tablets from Mr Y, whose name has been changed for anonymity, who informed me about them whilst I was in my local beer drinking establishment. He was a little inebriated and recalled the tale of the first time he had experienced the power of "Mystic Dragon". He described the experience as "good to start" but later quipped that "once you've had a boner for several hours all you want to do is cut it off".

The story had amused me and yet I head nothing more about this drug until this evening when Mr X, whose name has been changed for anonymity, regaled us with an even more amusing narrative of the effects of the drug.

Mr X was on the train back to Leicester and received a phone call from a lady friend. This phone call left him in an unfortunate position of uncertainty. I'm not fully aware of the background history, but as far as I can ascertain he had a history with the lady who phoned him, and when she said she was going to pop by later that day he assumed that he was going to get some.

LESSON NO. 1: Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups!

And so the story goes on. Mr X, wanting to make sure the damsel who phoned him was going to be a satisfied girl, decided that a little bit of "Mystic Dragon" wouldn't go amiss and so promptly drugged himself for an afternoon session whilst still on the train.

LESSON NO. 2: Drugs are bad, mmmkay!

Continuing, Mr X gets home and his lady friend arrives. She's feeling some love, and is prepared to hand out a few kisses and a cuddle. Mr X thinks that he's game on and the drug induced pork sword in his pants in certainly giving that impression. Unfortunately the young lady involved does not have the same ideas in mind.

LESSON NO. 3: Women are unpredictable creatures!

And so, now we find Mr X with an unsatisfied bacon bazooka, in the middle of the day, with nothing to satify his horn but the Fashion Channel. What an amusing state of affairs! His dreams of a bit of the pink canoe have caved in, and he is left with a four hour boner and nothing but women, on TV, in dresses, to help him get off.

LESSON NO. 4: Always have a backup plan for emergencies!

Oh yeah, that'll do it!!

Tags Viagra, Mystic Dragon, Drunken Stories

The Races

2006-07-31T23:18:00.000Z

This weekend I went to Diamond Day at Ascot Racecourse. The day is a fantastic affair with lots of free beer and food and its a good chance to catch up with some of my old work colleagues from London (who are the fabtastific chaps who invited me!)

I'm not actually that into horse racing and so for me the day is definitely a good chance to do some socialising as I don't really get distracted by all the people losing their money. I was one of those people the first time I went, and ended up losing too much money, so this year I had one bet, lost, and so stopped. Very sensible I thought!

I'm not going to whitter on too much, I'm just going to post a few pictures.

eBitches I & II looking sharp as ever!

Seriously officer, I haven't had a drop

Saw this on Sunday when I still had a hangover, it made me smile!

The Alarm

2006-07-31T23:00:00.000Z

A couple of weeks ago I had one of the worst night's sleep I have ever had. I was staying at my girlfriend's house which has a parking bay immediately outside and just before 1am, as I was just entering a nice sleep, a car alarm started to go off.

I am not a very deep sleeper and get woken up quite regularly by random noises, people talking as they come down the street etc, but because the majority of these noises are one off, or only last a minute or so, I don't really have any problem closing my eyes and going back to sleep again. This situation was a little different!

By the end of hour one I had managed to dose off again a couple of times only to be woken up again either by other noises, or strange short dreams involving alarms that kind of panicked me into waking up. The main problem was that every time I woke up I would get wound up about the alarm being on and then it would take me ages to get back to sleep again.

By 4am I was getting pissed off and got up to close the window. This made the noise quieter, but unfortunately also made it seem a little more high pitched which was slightly more annoying. It also meant that it got really fucking hot, really quickly, as the weather was pretty warm.

By 7am the battery on the car pretty much died and it could no longer manage to keep up a real alarm sound. Instead it just gave out a kind of mid range hum for the next hour or so and then eventually died completely just in time for us to have to get up.

I have a few questions / things to say about this whole situation

1) I bet if I had got out of bed at 4am, fuelled by rage, gone into the street and carved "tosser" into the bonnet of the offending vehicle the owner would have appeared and caved my head in.

Have that! Let this be a lesson to you!

2) Where do I stand legally? Could I call the council and have someone come out and tow the car away?

3) If I started working out loads and got myself to around the physique of Arnie in Twins, would I be able to lift up a car and stop the alarm going off? Does this actually work?

Who says people involved in politics eat too many free lunches?

4) Why do people have alarms on their cars if they are going to just ignore them? Surely you have an alarm on your car to inform you that something may be going off, not so they can roll over and ignore them.

Tags Arnie, Twins, Alarms, Vandalism, Sleep

The Heat

2006-07-20T17:29:00.000Z

Don't panic, stop worrying yourselves, I haven't abandoned you all again.

The weather has been absolutely roasting for the last few days and so instead of spending any time in front of my laptop I have been out and about drinking, playing golf and generally enjoying the sun while it lasts.

I'll try and write something interesting if it cools down a bit!!

The Saint???

2006-07-13T22:18:00.000Z

Today's subject is a man who many people admire and think is an all round good guy. Yes he looks like a tramp, or some sort of hippy protestor who has spent several days down a hole outside Manchester Airport, but people seem to have this amazing passion toward everything he does and see him as some sort of 21st Century Jesus Christ - not me!!

Bob Geldof's emergence to fame came in the 1970s as front man of the Irish punk rock band The Boomtown Rats. The band were reasonably successful in the UK with five top ten hits including.two numbers ones, but in real terms I guess they can be rated as average at best. As the years went by their chart success dwindled and Geldof eventually quit the band in 1986.

Before this, in 1981, Geldof took part in a charity event for Amnesty International. He performed The Boomtown Rats' biggest hit "I Don't Like Mondays" and got to meet the likes of Eric Clapton, Phil Collins and Sting along the way. The show was a success and is credited as the idea behind The Band Aid single. The story of course continues with Geldof witnessing a news report about Ethiopia, getting a load of artists together, recording "Do They Know It's Christmas" and making a shit load of money for Africa.

All of this I am cool with, no one else at the time was really doing anything major to highlight the plight of the thousands of people starving, Geldof saw an opportunity to do something, took it, and successfully pulled it off. There were obviously charities and aid organisations involved in getting together funding and supplies to take to Africa, but they didn't have the funding to advertise or the means to create such a media stir. Geldof did.

I will hold up my hands and say "Respect" to Bob Geldof for his part in Band Aid and the Live Aid concerts. He made a real difference and without that I honestly believe the situation in Africa would be a lot worse than it is now, and it is still bad!! However, Bob, you should have stopped there.

The Band Aid single was rerecorded in 1989 by "Band Aid II" and again in 2004 by "Band Aid 20". Now the first of these re-releases, to me, was already flogging a dead horse. By this time several other charities had taken up the Africa campaign including the very famous Comic Relief. Their first TV Event went out in 1988 and raised £15 million.

When people are repeatedly asked for something they become despondent to it and I really feel that this is the way with charity. It is terrible I know, but really, do you donate at every charity event? Do you even listen to half of the adverts you see on television asking for your £3 a month? There were already so many good things going on to help raise money for Africa that I can't understand why Geldof felt he needed to get involved again. The effort and organisation that must have gone into an event like Comic Relief was immense compared to the effort that went into the first Band Aid Single re-release. This is shown by the quality of the artists they managed to secure, Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan being the most popular cited. I just don't understand why he did it. Why disrupt the good work others are doing with another campaign, especially when it is something so unoriginal!!

As for the 2004 re-release, this is where “Sir” Bob Geldof – he can’t actually use the title officially as he is not a citizen of the Commonwealth - really pissed me off. The single was released and then came an announcement that a load of live concerts would take place the following year. The concerts were named Live 8 in reference to the G8 Summit in Scotland where World Leaders were due to discuss the economic situation in Africa.

Now, several major organisations were already planning campaigns and a huge march, organised by Make Poverty History (MPH), was due to take place in Scotland at the time of the G8 Summit. The idea was to put pressure on the World Leaders to actually make a real difference and wipe out third world debt or at least significantly reduce it. MPH were also making some money toward the cause with the sale of rubber wrist bands – these were seen on many popular public figures and sports stars in 2005, as well as most school kids in the country! Despite this, I reiterate, their main aim was to put pressure on the G8 leaders to make a long term difference rather than just find another short term source of cash. Then Bob came along.

Give me your fucking money!

Despite supposedly being a part of the MPH campaign, Geldof came in, used the hard work MPH had done to shamelessly promote Live 8 and then pretty much shit it out and forgot about it. Once “the celebrities” were involved the British public’s attention was taken away from the march in Scotland and swiftly focused on the worldwide concerts. For anyone confused about who I mean by “the celebrities”, they were the ones stood at the front of the crowd with the best seats and lots of room. The ones who were invited to take up a load of space that could have been given to the general public, who cost a fortune to protect with security staff, and no doubt arrived to the event in their huge hummers, and Jags, and helicopters, that consumed more money in petrol on the way there than you could afford to donate. The whole thing was a fucking charade, a mass telethon that made a reasonably large sum of money but at the same time took pressure off te G8 summit. They still made some good agreements at the summit and no doubt solved some problems, but the Live 8 concerts took so much attention that G8 hit the back burner somewhat.

So basically, I dislike Bob Geldof for the way that he has used charity for what I consider to be his own personal gain. Looking at the way the man dresses you might think that he was a bit of a pauper, someone who lives a reasonably simple life due to the principles that he holds and gives more of his income to charity than the Mormons do. I doubt that. We’re talking about a man who in 2001 had an estimated fortune of £30 million. We’re talking about a man who named his children Fifi Trxibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom and Little Pixie. Little Pixie by the way was named after Bob read a cartoon in Private Eye, A British satirical magazine, that mocked the names he had chosen for his first two children.

Tell me that this man has done this just because he wanted to, not because he knew that he was famous enough in the eyes of the tabloid press in England to guarantee that his name was going to be plastered all over the papers even when he was doing fuck all. This is a man who traded during the Internet boom in the UK, no doubt based on reputation alone, and made a small fucking fortune.

So the next time you think “hmm, Bob Geldof, he seems like an all round good guy”, stop, think about what he has gained through what he has done, weigh it up against what he has sacrificed, think about people like Mother Theresa and Martin Luther King, and then think again.

The Theft of a Nation

2006-07-12T21:36:00.000Z

The Chimp and his pals have wound me up (again!!) in the last couple of days after announcements of their plans for "Cuban Democracy". Basically they have drawn up a plan which they intend to put into action as soon as Fidel Castro dies, this plan will apparently help the Cuban people in their "transition from repressive control to freedom".

I can't claim to have a huge knowledge of the Cuba - America situation. I was previously aware of things like the trade embargoes, the Cuban Missile Crisis and America trying to blow Castro up with a cigar, but that was it really. Today I have read all about the history of Cuba and about why the Americans seem to have a problem with Cuba and so I now feel I'm in a vague position to comment, apologies if you don't agree!!

I cannot see how America thinks it has any right to just decide that it is going to step in and "help out" Cuba once Castro dies. As far as I am aware, and from what I've read, there aren't thousands of Cuban residents calling out for the support of America. Ok so the Americans claim that the cubans are being oppressed, that they're too scared to speak out against Castro. The Cubans have a public health service and public education, tourism is constantly on the rise, they have some quality beaches and their country is pretty vibrant and multicultural. To me that sounds a shit load better than a fair few parts of the US, so why the need for US interference??

It seems to me that a lot of the anger America has towards Cuba is to do with the large number of people that fled Cuba and entered America during periods of instability between 1960 and the mid 1980s. Obviously being a bunch of country stealing immigrants themselves the Yanks aren't particularly keen on people moving to their country, it reflects the horrible truth about the way they gained control of their country and so they prefer to keep people out. Saying this, the immigration problem has declined significantly over the last ten years (probably because Cuba is a better place to live that the US!!) and so this can't really be upsetting the US too much right now.

So, the real reason of course is that Cuba is a communist state. Yep that's right, when Castro came to power and went looking for some help and support from other nations the Yanks were pretty quick to tell him to bugger off so he just went to the Russians instead. They were more than happy to help out and so Cuba as we know it today was born. Obviously rhe thought of having a place so close to the US, and especially the place that homes their favourite prison, that is in cahoots with the Commies is just too much!

For me America needs to back up, sit down and shut the fuck up, They have already got themselves involved in two spiralling conflicts and are spending money faster than a dying man at a buy one get one free hooker fest. And they should perhaps looking at some of the ongoing problems in the US - you think New Orleans is ok now??? - before they start worrying about Cuba.

Must...start...global...conflict

The Rant

2006-07-11T15:05:00.000Z

Today I have been in a really grumpy mood. I don't really know where it came from, nothing in particular wound me up to start me feeling this way, it was just the way I woke up feeling. It's not like I've been snapping and kicking off at everyone I have spoken to, in fact, I've had some good conversations and a few laughs with people at work, and then went out for lunch with some friends which was also enjoyable - none of these people have had to feel the wrath of my grumpiness, it is more the little things that have been sparking me off. Here are a few examples.

Scott Mills

Turned on the radio this morning to find that Chris Moyles is on holiday or something and so Scott Mills is doing his show instead. For those of you who don't know who Scott Mills is, he is an annoying twat who works on Radio 1 - that just about sums it up. Anyway, Mr. Mills particularly annoyed me this morning by continuously going on about how great the new Paris Hilton record is and about how she has a fantastic voice. Of course the opinion on her voice is based on the fact that he has heard her single which has no doubt either been completely remastered from her original recording or has someone else singing on it. Besides, who gives a fuck about anything that talent less whore does, anyone who is famous for being a slapper - Jordan, Abi Titmuss, Jodie Marsh, here's looking at you - can fuck off as far as I'm concerned, you don't have a real career and will never be considered as anything other than a pikey by people who actually have brains and don't watch Big Brother.

Charitable Donations via Text Message

This was also something on the radio that pissed me off. Currently the BBC is running a massive campaign for a charity called Sport Relief. As part of this appeal they are getting loads of people off TV and radio to do various sporting activities and people send in text messages make a donation. These text messages cost £1 of which 70p goes to charity. Now excuse me for seeming a little tight about this but where the fuck is the other 30p going? I can obviously accept that my mobile phone company will want their 12p and that's cool (although it would be nicer if they didn't charge for texts to charity lines) but then the other 18p goes where? It wouldn't be so bad apart from the fact that the BBC are blatantly taking the other wedge of this cash and we already pay £150 odd a year to have the BBC on our TV and Radio. So now it seems we're paying the BBC to encourage us to pay them some more. Why can't they just give the whole £1 (or 88p minus network charge) to charity, that way instead of having made £40,000 on the campaign I heard this morning they'd have made over £50,000 - that's a pretty big difference. I appreciate that they really need the money to pay that whittering old Irish fool Wogan but surely they can find the cash in slightly less immoral fashion!

Air Conditioning

While I was on holiday last week the fans in our office were replaced by two massive fat air conditioning units. Many long summers we have suffered in the sweltering heat of the summer as the few desk fans have tried to compete with the seven servers and fifteen pcs in the office, and so my boss decided enough was enough and bought the A/C.

Now I don't claim to be some sort of expert on the topic of air conditioning, but I would consider myself to have a reasonable amount of common sense and so when I arrived at work to see the air conditioning on and the front door to our office open I quickly pointed out that we were cooling down the stairs and corridor and that me sitting at my desk blowing would be a more effective cooling method. The next day and the day after the door was closed and we had couple of nice cool days. Yesterday however I turn up to find that the A/C has not been switched on and so the heat had already taken over the office so when I turned the A/C on it didn't manage to get control of the temperature all day.

Now this is fantastic, the story of the A/C today. Let me first point out that today it is reasonably hot in Leicester. It isn't as hot as it has been at times over the last week or two but the sun is out, it is a little muggy and there isn't a lot of wind. All this combined with all the computers mentioned previously leads to a fair old whack of heat in our office. So, you would have thought that the air conditioners would be blowing away happily today to make working life bearable, oh no. Two people in our office have got tonsillitis and instead of staying at home where they will safely not infect anyone, they have come to work. Due to this we have to have the A/C off today to stop the risk it getting spread around - I sit and sweat and despair!!

So that is just a few of the things that have been pissing me off today, plus my phone battery has just this second died to add to my day of fun. I apologise to anyone I have offended today with my bad attitude. But really I don't care, sometimes it is nice to be pissed off.

The Return (yes...again!!)

2006-07-06T13:20:00.000Z

I know that I seem to go through this at least once every couple of months, I disappear, say nothing and then come back with promises of more regular blogging, amazing witty content and good will to spread to the world. I also know that it never happens...until this time!

I have recently spent some time with a bunch of people who take blogging and vlogging rather more seriously than me and up until this point I had never realised that the community was so large and had so much to say. I feel with the connections I have made I could make my words reach a few more people - scary thought huh! - and perhaps make this blog something more than just worktime amusement.

So, once again, Bradfields is back!!

The Ill Advised

2006-04-10T18:00:00.000Z

The other week, BBC's Inside Out programme looked at modern day parents and the extreme lengths they will go to in order to get their children into grammar school. Unfortunately I didn't see the programme, but an article about it left me a bit miffed. Here's why.

Firstly, for those of you who are unaware of the way the secondary education system works in the UK, I will give a quick Bradfields' Brain Guide.

In the UK there are three different types of secondary education; private, comprehensive and grammar.

Comprehensive - As long as you don't live in a caravan you're pretty much guaranteed to get your child a place at a comprehensive school, these are the bog standard schools filled with students from every section of society, and varying tremendously in quality of education.

Private Schools - Private schools vary in the way they select their students. Some have their own unique entrance examination/s, some used National Standard testing and some don't test at all. One thing is universal throughout all private schools however, if you've got lots of wedge, or your surname is Bonham-Smythe, then your kid will get a place.

Grammar Schools - Grammar school entry is dependent on a child's performance in a standardised test called the 11+. This test is used to find the top 20% of students within a catchment area, and these kids are then offered places at the local grammar schools.

So, with the majority of parents not being able to afford private education, you can understand why they're getting a little anxious to get their pride and joy into one of the "best" schools. And that’s just the thing. Are the grammar schools really the best schools?

Back to our hopeful parents, and the first thing I noticed on reading the article is that these people are getting stung. They are making decisions so blindly and so focused on one thing, they have never stopped to question whether it is the best route to take.

The article mentions one of the “definite winners in the system”, a lady who tutors children for the 11+ exam. This con-artist claims that “generally a child needs at least two years prep for the exam” and will take over £2000 per child over that two year period. I’ll tell you now – that is bullshit. If your child needs two years of tutoring on top of school to pass their 11+, your child shouldn’t be going to grammar school.

Just to completely take the piss, the money hungry bint’s departing comment was “We don’t take children younger than six, because it’s not fair on them”. Well you don’t say, I was disgusted about two years tutoring, but five?? Why not just sell your child into prostitution; they’d probably have more fun.

The Tutor - Thief

One of our other parents trying to ruin their child’s life is Mike Perkins who admits that he considered paying £5,000 to someone who responded to an advert his friend placed on the internet asking to see the entry paper to the exam his daughter was due to sit. The whole thing didn’t really work out and they were never sure whether the offer was legitimate, but Mike commented “if someone could guarantee to me that they could show me the paper, and Laura would pass, would I pay to see it? Probably. Yes."

Mike Perkins - A Fine Example of a Dad

The next rat in this torrid tale is teachen Stephen Curran who has published a book describing the best ways to approach an appeals panel should your child fail the examination. His book includes handy tips for parents on the best grounds for appeal which, he says, "should be typed and carefully worded".

Among Mr Curran’s inventive ideas are “including details of illness on the day” and providing information about “a recent bereavement which could have affected the child’s performance”. I can just imagine the hundreds of letters appeals panels up and down the country must receive every year….

Dear Sir,

Please reconsider Jimmy’s examination result. He has been in a terrible mental state over the last few weeks on account of the death of his grandparents, his sister, his pet goldfish and me.

Many thanks from beyond the grave,

Mrs Jones

Again, if you need to lie or make up excuses about you child not getting into grammar school because of illness or bereavement then your child should not be in grammar school. There are always legitimate cases, but I would expect that 99% of these would be handled directly by the school the child is attending – they often seem to have a child’s best interests at heart more than the parents do!

The final player in our game and in my opinion the only person with any sense, is Head teacher David Wheeldon.

"If a child needs to be coached to get through the exam, then they will need support throughout their time with us," he says.

"A grammar school education is not for everyone. If a child can't pass the exam without a lot of help then they would be better suited to an education elsewhere.

"It wouldn't be fair on them to put them in an environment where they're struggling to keep up with their peers."

And this is my point entirely. I went to a grammar school and witnessed the way that the less clever kids are treated. Yes there are still really smart kids who get picked on the same as in any school, but the stupid kids get picked on worse. Teenagers are mean, inconsiderate, little bastards at the best of times, but when they have the intellectual upper hand they can be particularly ruthless. I definitely have more amusing stories about the dumb shits I went to school with than I do about the slightly geeky guys.

The fact is, if you stand out from the crowd when you're at school it normally isn't good, and a thicko in a grammar school stands out like a rabbi at a Neo-Nazi convention.

The Fibbies

2006-03-21T16:50:00.000Z

A article on CNN today reports how thousands of FBI agents in America do not have access to email. Personally I find this quite shocking and thought there would be no way anyone could try and justify it. Obviously I was wrong and the FBI have tried with their main argument being "We just don't have the money".

Senator Charles Schumer stirred things up with a typically American attitude and immediately related the issue to terrorism saying "The FBI should have the tools it needs to fight terrorism and crime in the 21st century, most of all in New York City, and one of the most effective means of communications is e-mail and the Internet. FBI agents not having e-mail or Internet access is much too much a pre-9/11 mentality."

I was going to write my opinion on the matter but having read a few forums and message boards I found some much better points than the ones I was going to make, so here they are

"So let me get this straight, $9 billion goes missing in Iraq, the war has cost US taxpayers about $250 billion so far, oil companies have record profit$, our national debt ceiling was raised to $9 trillion and we can't afford to supply email to the FBI? What is going on? And, does anyone even care?"

"A pre-9/11 mentality?? Funny, I thought it was a pre-1995 mentality."

"In a world where secrecy is necessary, what you whisper goes unrecorded, but what you put in an email gets published just when you need it to never have been written down....With record keeping comes accountability... is it any wonder they don't write things down?"

"Why would they need their own email when they have access to everybody else's?"

The Fairest Sentence?

2006-03-20T17:43:00.000Z

A story in the press today tells of an Afghan man being tried in court for converting religion from Islam to Christian. The guy in question was an aid worker in Pakistan when he converted sixteen years ago, and had quite happily been living as a Christian until his family grassed him up during a custody battle over his children.

If the idea of being tried for changing your religion is not crazy enough, the penalty this bloke is facing is....erm...death. Well that seems fair right?!? I don't want to seem against Islam or start any riots outside Bradfields' Brain HQ with hundreds of people shouting for my blood but seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these people?? You don't agree with what we think so we're going to kill you. What a great idea that is. How does the Islaamic faith ever expect to be seen as anything other than extremist when events like this are supported and allowed to take place under Sharia law?

There is one good thing to come out of this event however, that being that we now know what the guy the Yanks put in charge of Afghanistan is really like. President Hamid Karzai apparently reckons there isn't much he can do about the situation despite the fact that he is the president. Could that be because he's too busy setting up gas pipelines and making sure The Chimp gets richer perhaps??

So, President Bush is a Christian and wants to get rid of the evil Taleban who don't like Christians. He sends his Jesus army to Afghanistan where they take pleasure in killing lots of people and then he puts a guy in charge who doesn't seem to care about stopping people who want to kill Christians. What a plan, what a man - if God tells The Chimp what to do then next time the election comes round I'm rooting for the guy supported by Satan.

Jesus He knows me, and He knows I'm right!

The Blindly Driven Army

2006-03-02T23:08:00.000Z

A little tired and after a couple of beers I feel a little shit about the world. A couple of conversations about my holiday in Malaysia haven't helped and despite the fact that I only have four working days left until another holiday, all that doesn't seem enough right now.

My problem is the general attitude towards life in this country. Exactly what do we push ourselves for? Why do we work longer hours than most other parts of Europe and yet come out with a lower standard of living in a lot of cases? Why do we put up with getting constantly butt fucked by our government and not give a shit when we see Tony Blair's smug rich face on the TV taking the piss out of us all by kissing The Chimps arse when we, the public, would rather he didn't? We're supposed to be one of most democratic nations on Earth yet we're turning into the Yanks, absorbing TV and watching our lives pass by in a little bubble while we dream of winning the Euromillions or becoming the next non-celebrity to win Celebrity Big Brother. Fuck!

I guess what I'm saying is that we need to change the way we live on the whole before we all hit sixty and realise we've wasted our fucking lives. Look at the French, ok they smell of onions but they get out for two hours every day and have lunch with their friends. When was the last time most of you stopped for ten minutes?

So stop, think, is this really what you want to be doing?? And if it isn't, why are you doing it?!?

The Healers

2006-03-02T18:30:00.000Z

This topic was decided upon about six months ago over a couple of rather disappointing drinks in the local beer distribution establishment. It was a bitterly cold evening for the time of year and the Kronenbourg was as flat as a female body builder which led to us having to drink Becks. Tempers were fraid, pressure was on to be outgoing and perhaps slightly controversial in an attempt to liven up the evening and so, on a whim, I muttered some words which it is now time to explain - "The NHS is complete bollocks!"

I am sure that I'm not alone in my opinion of the NHS, public belief in it has certainly declined over the last ten years and when it comes to opinion polls the figures certainly don't lie. But not too long ago the stories you heard were of long waiting lists for major operations, or a tale about your mate Dave, who had one of his eyes removed by an angry squirrel, yet still had to sit in the waiting room for ten hours despite bleeding profusely on the floor in an attempt to get some attention. Nowadays the focus has switched and the fact that you're more likely to contract a deadly disease while sitting in a hospital than bathing in raw sewage seems to be what's on people's minds. I wonder why!!

Have you seen this squirrel? If so, call Crimestoppers anonymously on 0800 555 111

"Shenanigans", I hear you shout, "this is just the tabloid press compressed into blog form. There isn't any real evidence" - lets see if these facts and figures can change your mind.

The NHS spends more in a year on fresh needles for syringes than Jonny Vegas does on Guinness. Are you telling me that some people can't share?
Cutbacks have led to many doctors being forced to use two cans and a piece of string instead of a stethoscope.
One in five patients will sit in A & E for at least three days before treatment is offered.
17% of patients are malnourished when they enter hospital and obese when they leave due to the poor standard of the food. Even McDonalds is rumoured to be better quality.
85% of nurses think they should be better paid by the government. Poor pay = poor motivation = poor healthcare.
15% of nurses cannot think.

All pretty scary stuff huh. I hope you've learnt something today, remember that the next time someone tells you that the NHS is a fine national institution, you can tell them that you know better!

The Final Voyage?

2006-03-02T17:50:00.000Z

One week from today I will be making what could be my last smoker's trip to Amsterdam. For the last five or so years I have been lucky enough to visit the motherland of the herb and get suitably off my face for a few days. However, those damn beaurocrats are up to there old tricks again and support is growing within Dutch government to cut down on the so called "drug tourism" and restrict access to coffeeshops to Dutch citizens only.

Most of this has come about because of pressure from the hippy Germans. They're getting upset because the teenage generation are heading toward Dutch villages close to the border to get wasted and then try to carry drugs back over the border. The sausage eaters are seriously getting on their high horse about the whole thing obviously not realising, like pretty much every other government on planet Earth, that going to a shop to buy your drugs is a damn sight safer than the alternative of buying from that dodgy bloke Barry you met in the pub last week. Kids are going to get drugs if they want them bad enough....FACT.

So, here is my appeal to the Dutch government (several members are regular readers of my blog of course) - Don't be fools. Before any rash decisions are taken think about the good that cannabis taxation does from your country, and where your country would be without it. Look at the fact that a smaller percentage of your 18-25 year olds partake in social drugs than ours in the UK, you aren't keeping anything from your people so why do they need to rush out and try it. It can't be all that if it's legal right?!?

I love Holland for its people's laid back attitude towards life and its liberal viewpoints, for its coffeeshops and smart shops. I don't love Holland for its food, sights and weather. Without your "drug tourism", tourism isn't really going to exist at all.

Do the right thing, keep the weed!

The Growing Outbreak

2006-02-23T23:37:00.000Z

The world has been shocked in recent weeks by the growing number of cases of Asian Bird Flu within the Westernised World.

I'm sure my avid readers have already studied the in-depth report on the problem carried out by World of Steve, and have witnessed in the news the suffering and distress that can be caused to its victims.

However, exclusive news to Bradfields Brain this evening reveals that the problem has grown out of all proportion, and it now effects one of the UK's greatest loved celebrities. I leave you with a pictorial view of this shocking news.

Fighting for his life, Orville remains in critical condition

The Disconnected

2006-02-21T23:59:00.000Z

Being a bit of an Internet junkie, I can't really understand how anyone can live without web access in the modern age. I would estimate that I spend a minumum of two hours a day surfing the net - that's a whopping 730 hours a year - about thirty days - scary huh!!

So you ask, if i'm spending a month a year on the internet, am I doing anything constructive in that time?? Could I live without spending that time online or are there vital things I have to do??

Let's look at where I've been and what I've done today - an exercise that can be carried out through the wonders of my Internet Explorer history folder. I will obviously be excluding from my list any visits to sites I have worked on today as this does not count as part of my internet junkiness - I have to do that shit!!

1) Alliance Football League - checked out the results from the weekend and looked at the league position of the mighty EFC. Also read the forum to make sure no one had made any petulant remarks as the team we beat on Sunday weren't happy about losing!!

2) Amazon - Read about the new EA game 'Black' which is coming out on the PS2 on Friday in an attempt to decide whether it looked worth buying. No decision was made.

3) ESPN - Watched a Slam dunk contest that Olly forwarded on. Was pretty decent although I reckon if I was seven feet tall I could do better.

4) BBC - I visit here at least twenty times every day to read the main headlines, entertainment and technology news and of course to keep up with sporting activity from around the world.

5) Bird Sanctuary - Checked out the Kate from Lost special. Sweet!

6) Blogger - To write this.

7) CNET - Investigated the predicted launch date of the Playstation 3 and tried to find out what the delay is all about. Concluded that Sony are hippies!

8) Common Dreams - Had a random thought and was trying to find out how long it was since The Chimp claimed that the war in Iraq was over. Couldn't find out but remain certain it must be nearly two years now.

9) Dev People - Read the latest geek news.

10) Dovka - Had a quick check on a friend's blog. One of his mates had written something strange which I half read but got bored as it was gay.

11) Football 365 - Looked to see if any new diaries of Neviller had been added. They hadn't, I wept a little.

12) Fixtures 365 - Looked at team news for the evening's football fixtures.

13) Google - All kinds of crap

14) Google sightseeing - Checked out some pictures of crop circles and a picture of someone who has written "Eddie Fuck You" in a field. Pondered whether is was a reference to Raw.

15) Gmail - To waste more time emailing friends.

16) Hotmail - To waste more time reading spam mail

17) Martijn Devisser - A bit of research into standalone Flash players so Scarbelly could watch the Slam Dunk competition at work.

18) Natwest - Wept at how poor I am.

19) Halifax Online - Turned slightly suicidal contemplating how poor I am.

20) Play - Tried to overcome my suicidal thoughts with some retail therapy. Couldn't find anything to buy.

21) Start - Read Dilbert cartoon. Laughed.

So, could I live without my unmetered, almost permanent connection to the internet. Truth is, probably yes, but in terms of how I like to live my life, no. I hate shopping in the city centre whether it be for twenty five items or one. Having to face the chavvy, spoty faced pikeyness of average Leicester life compared to clicking three buttons on a website seem absolutely insane to me especially when buying on the internet is cheaper. Why watch three hours of Sky Sports news when you can read everything you are interested in hearing in ten minutes on the BBC site.

OK, I waste a lot of time in my day looking at shit that probably isn't that important and I'm sure my boss would prefer it if I didn't (or sack me if he knew). But hey, work's boring right!?!

The Return (again)

2006-02-21T17:53:00.000Z

OK, OK, OK. I know I've been slack and to honest I really have no excuse. I can only imagine the disappointment my thousands of fans must have had every day since my last post when they've drop by during their morning cup of coffee to find out what I've been up to only to see the same boring message at the top of the page.

Well dry those tears, get that smile out and get ready for a 2006 posting extravaganza.

Bradfields is back!!

The Holiday Season

2005-12-23T09:58:00.000Z

Rejoice, rejoice. The holiday season is upon us and it is time to eat too much, drink excessively and argue with your loved ones!

Christmas is normally very much the same, but this year I am off on a three week holiday to Malaysia so I expect things to be a little different.

I just wanted to leave a little message for all my fans before I go. Have a very merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year. I will be in touch with you all and I'll be continuing to blog from the other side of the world.

Let the binge culture begin!!

The Pitch

2005-12-01T17:49:00.000Z

While walking to work wearing my hoodie the other day I came up with what I consider a genius pitch for a short film. The film is a short piece titled "Chav Cam" and follows a young chav on his journey through an averagely chavvy day. The film would be filmed from a 1st person perspective with the sides of a hoodie / baseball cap peak in view on camera at all times.

A picture showing costume ideas for the film

Obviously due to its huge marketing potential I don't want to give too much away, but below is a short extract from the first draft of the screenplay. Unfortunately during my background research I discovered a website containing a passage which follows the very same idea. In fact, the mofos even have a very appropriate domain name registered and a website surrounding the passage. I would like to say that I was unaware that this site existed when I had my idea and that I have not taken any content from this site into my work. The basis of their whole site is just a small part of my masterplan, plus I'm straight gangsta and from the streets of Chatham - nuffink can take that away from me!

Yes, you are a chav. Well done!

Choose chav. Choose the dole. Choose to shop in Primark. Choose a fucking big sovereign. Choose Kappa slappers, Burberry, trackie dags and tastelessly modified cars. Choose Maccy D’s, Lambert & Butler, and Smirnoff Ice. Choose loitering in shopping centres. Choose a street corner. Choose your ASBO mates. Choose hoodies and baseball caps. Choose a six-piece moving clown necklace on a week by week credit plan. Choose spending your child benefits in Oxfam so you can still afford some White Lighting to drink in the park later. Choose underage sex, teenage pregnancy and providing pikeys with a social underclass. Choose rotting away in the same place you were born, still gawping at the scantily clad girls with council-flat face lifts as you walk your pit-bull round the park and try to remember exactly how many kids you managed to have.

Choose no future.

Choose chav.

The Announcement - Part Deux

2005-12-01T15:59:00.000Z

Thursday night and it was almost time. Two days of anticipation would be ended in just a few minutes as Dave prepared to make his big announcement. Everyone had made it out for the occasion - Hugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Jimbo?? Yes, that's right; Dave’s "big" announcement was that the forgotten brother had returned to Leicester.

Jimbo claimed that he was there for a weekend of carnage - drinking, smoking and animal slaughter were all on the agenda - but my suspicion was that he had only made the trip to get his favourite VW Beetle jumper back so that he could wear it on the pull round Norwich - vroom vroom.

Thursday evening quickly deteriorated into a drunken mess. In order to get in the party spirit, and obviously unaware of what was going to be expected of me that evening, I had put away four cans of Kronenbourg at home. This combined with more Kronenbourg, Sambuca, Havana Ice Tea, more lager and some weird Belgian shit led to a reasonable amount of memory loss, and me still being steaming drunk when I got up for work in the morning.

Life would have been better on Friday had I not felt so betrayed by the whole situation. People outside our group of friends may think that the announcement was a disappointment - this was not the case for us at all. The disappointing thing was the fact that Dave had secretly got Jimbo up on a Thursday, knowing full well that everyone was going to get steaming, and then booked the Friday off work leaving the rest of us to face the music, still drunk, on Friday morning.

Needless to say, once I had received a text message from Jimbo at 10:30am telling me that he was still lying in bed, work did not last long. I wrote a very honest email to my boss explaining that I had got drunk the night before, picked up my things, and headed home.

The rest of the weekend is mainly a heavily drunken blur. Corona for lunch and Kronenbourg for dinner led to the house looking like a bomb site by morning. Not to mention the sheets in the spare room at Dave's which apparently ended up a strange luminous green colour.

A Damien Hirst picture showing the effects of a night of passion with Jimbo

The Announcement

2005-11-23T13:55:00.000Z

Speculation is growing amongst my friends today after Dave asked us all to meet in the pub tomorrow so that he could make an important announcement. This request was obviously followed by a large amount of abuse as we attempted to guess what would require such an occassion, but as the dust settles, people are starting to realise that today could be the eve of something truly immense.

"I have the feeling that this is going to be the kind of statement that rocks whole nations" said publicist and media assassin Max Clifford. "The implications of what is said could be pondered over and dissected for generations to come".

Bookmakers have taken over £3.50 in bets on the content of the announcement with that figure expected to rise to roughly £7.26 by the close of business today. "These are exciting times for punters" Ladbrokes Worldwide CEO Chris Bell excitedly ranted. "People are betting on almost anything, although monkey related bets seem very popular at the moment, along with bets on the exposure of an international bumming ring".

Tomorrow is certainly going to be an exciting day, but to give you an advantage at the bookies here are the top tips from Bradfields' Brain and its trusted affiliates.

1) Dave is gay and will be coming out tomorrow - 4-1
2) Dave has been made redundant...again - 7-1
3) Dave has been hired by a troop of travelling circus dwarves and will be taking up a career as "Lofty" - the freakishly tall dwarf - 7-2
4) A small third world country has discovered that Dave is rightful heir to the throne of their country, and have asked him to come and be King. A small human sacrifice is required to appease the gods which is where we come in - 15-1
5) Dave has won a years supply of potatoes or possibly gherkins - 5-1
6) Dave is getting married - 11-3
7) Dave has conquered his fear of small round objects and will now be able to eat beans and peas without sweating profusely - 100-1
8) Dave is getting a dog - 3-1
9) Dave is an spy like Harry in True Lies and wants us to join his spy posse - 16-1
10) Dave is going to be a daddy - 1000-1
11) Dave discovered a new world on top of a piece of cake that he found in Lucy's ear - 2-1
12) Dave, not Billy Corgan as originally suspected, is infact Kirsten Dunst in disguise - 5-1
13) Dave has unearthed highly incriminating evidence of satanic behaviour by President Bush and intends to bring down the American government - 3-1
14) Dave is giving up the crack...again - 50-1
15) Dave just wants to get everyone out for a beer - Even

The Monkey Workforce

2005-11-22T15:01:00.000Z

‘Kelly - Customer Service Representative’. Her blue badge with neatly embossed white text is pinned proudly to a smart, but perhaps a little Stewardess-like, uniform. Unfortunately, this is where any sort of professionalism ends. At the risk of sounding like I’m fifty…again…I remember when going to the bank meant you were met at the counter by someone who would tend to all your financial needs attentively and quickly. Nowadays it’s more likely to be a spotty faced teen who would look much more at home behind a till at MacDonald’s. More annoying than this is that the little scrote would rather talk to the other undereducated part timer next to her than actually pay attention as she accidentally transfers half your life savings to the account of some Nigerian email scammer she happened to be reading about at the same time.

Computer says no

OK, so I may be getting a little melodramatic, but it just seems to me that the quality of service we have become accustomed to in this country is completely unacceptable. Walk into your average High Street store and you are likely to find it pretty hard to get any detailed information about anything that particular shop is selling. The staff in JJB won’t be able to tell you which tennis racket is the best choice for practice or which trainers are best for running on the street, because they haven’t got a clue themselves! It seems that the staff turnover is so quick in shops these days that they just can’t be bothered to train their staff in anything apart from standing around and looking inattentive.

I personally find it extremely annoying as I have always been someone who has taken the time to get to know about the job they are doing no matter what it is. I have a reasonable knowledge of photocopiers and fax machines, could help you choose a new fan belt for your car, know which items are most high risk to shoplifters and would feel confident working behind any bar in the country. None of these have anything to do with my current profession or have a massive purpose, but at least I learnt something during the many wasted hours of part time and temporary work instead of just bitching about it and not giving a toss!

With the number of companies moving over to purely telephone service on the increase, it would be nice to be able to say that the service received from the telephone centres was better. Unfortunately, if anything, it is worse. The biggest problem I have noticed with telephone centres is that the basic premise of “The customer is always right” is something that does not exist to these people. If you stand in a shop and kick up a fuss then you will be treated respectfully and normally get whatever the problem is resolved pretty quickly. When dealing with call centres however, where there aren’t more customers standing around to see how the company deals with a complaint, you have to employ different tactics in order to get any sort of satisfactory outcome.

Reasons To Hate Call Centres

1) Most telephone call centre staff will be reading from or quoting directly from a pre-prepared script and therefore are unlikely to be able to answer too many complicated questions or give you any useful advice.

2) Listen to the number of times someone working in a call centre uses your name when you are on the phone to them. The repetition of your name is supposed to make your call feel “personalised and wanted” not, as is actually the case, make you feel like a small child or some sort of retard.

3) The blame game – When dealing with a company that has call centres and high street shops / branches the following rules apply
- The branch will always blame the call centre for a mistake
- The call centre will always blame the branch for a mistake
- The call centre is normally to blame

Next time you're faced with a customer services nightmare just remember not to take any crap. The average shop assistant / telephone operator has an IQ of below 100 and that should mean you can get whatever you want out of the large faceless corporation they work for. Giving you whatever pitiful compensation you have asked for isn't going to affect whether Rosie, the six year old daughter of the CEO, gets her pony for Christmas – so why should they care??

Have a pointless and insane argument ready – it leads to confusion and ultimately to success

The Return

2005-11-08T19:15:00.000Z

Wow, how slack have I been!! Not a single post since 24th October and nothing of even vague relevance since before then.

Firstly I will just briefly explain the last post before this one. Basically I saw that image thing on some site which said I could put it in my blog and it will pull pictures from my Flickr account. No, they aren't lying, it really does do that, but at the moment I have not uploaded any good pictures to my Flickr account and hence there are only four images of adverse weather conditions. I promise to try and put something more fun in there soon.

Anyway, I am currently sitting at work supposedly testing a system I have just launched. Only problem is that testing is perhaps the least favourite part of my job. I care so little about it that I am writing this instead of doing it and therefore taking the risk of getting shouted at my boss when, inevitably, a bug which i should have found during testing gets exposed by the client. I'm such a rebel!!

Truth is, it is a fucking pointless exercise getting the person that wrote a system to test it because by the time I've spent a month working on something, my brain is almost programmed not to do anything that might potentially break it. It isn't a deliberate move, just the way that a geeky programmer brain like mine works. It is just one of those things.

Surely I must be boring anyone reading this by now, I'm boring myself for fucks sake!!

Adios for now, will try to write something non work related and more amusing soon.

The Slideshow Test

2005-10-24T17:17:00.000Z

Flash Slideshow

The Tunnel Rats

2005-10-17T17:54:00.000Z

Spent the weekend in London which I found to be very enjoyable apart from the travelling. Travelling from Leicester to Kings Cross is a breeze, an hour and fifteen minutes on a fast train with free tea and coffee or reasonably priced cans of Stella if you wish. The fact that the ticket itself costs nearly forty quid can even be forgotten when the journey is as hassle free as this one. It is on arrival in London that things can, and normally do, go tits up.

I had been warned in advance that the first tube I would normally get on, a southbound Northern Line train from Kings Cross to Bank, would not be running. Apparently a few trains on the Northern Line had randomly driven through red signals earlier in the week and the drivers had walked out, refusing to drive them again until proper safety checks had been carried out. The London Transport explanation was of course "a problem with the signalling system" - just a small understatement there then!!

Always wanting to be on the safe side when travelling in London I then proceeded to check with a member of staff that it was possible to travel from Kings Cross to Bank via the Circle Line. The sensible answer to this question, I later discovered, would have been "No, but you can catch it to Monument and then it's a two minute walk through the station. Instead however I was told "No this isn't possible" and the trained monkey then proceeded to rattle off two alternative routes, the second of which I just managed to make out.

Being sent on a route that is going to take 10-15 minutes extra would not necessarily be a big deal if the tube was a nice way to travel but in fact it is a hot, stinking, filthy and ancient collection of crusty grey tunnels and even crustier, greyer rat like people who ride the thing on a daily basis in an attempt to get to and from work faster than walking. The smell of some people riding the tube can make you want to vomit immediately, especially if you are crammed in a corner with a fat guy exposing his sweaty armpit directly in front of your face as he holds on for dear life.

It took me as long to get from Kings Cross to the Isle of Dogs as it did to get from Leicester to Kings Cross and I had probably travelled less than 5% of the distance. At least the last part of the journey was on the DLR which is, at the moment, cleaner and therefore slightly less offensive. Journeys later in the weekend were just as bad. Over an hour and a half to get to the dog track in Walthamstow from the Isle of Dogs, and another hour and a half journey from the Isle of Dogs back to Kings Cross when I returned to Leicester.

It would be alright for the residents of London if there were a better way to travel but unfortunately the entire public transport system is pretty diabolical. I had to catch a bus on Sunday morning, which at the time of suggestion seemed like a great idea. "Get the bus not the tube" Dave said. "It's quicker and it goes from the end of the road". Within ten seconds of getting on I was regretting my decision as apart from there being no seats, it was extremely hot, and I couldn't see out of a window making it almost impossible to tell whether I was getting close to my destination. Finally escaped the bus at Liverpool Street and caught the tube, again, for half an hour back to the Isle of Dogs feeling hot and sweaty and with my nose full of some disgusting black crap that seems to accumulate the longer you spend on the tube.

So, you might have guessed that my overall opinion of London transport is not a particularly good one, it is just a relief to me that I don't have to use it very often!!

The Holiday

2005-10-06T23:16:00.000Z

77 days to go [EDIT] Now that I'm sober, it actually appears to be 81 days until my holiday. God damn it!!

The Bare Faced Cheek

2005-10-06T19:20:00.000Z

Back again. I've been struggling to come up with good topics to cover in my blog recently, as I have said before, it's pretty tough to write random b*llox on a daily basis.

I'm a little hot headed (to say the least), and my friends would probably all confirm that I can be known to rant on occasion. Therefore it seems to be easier for me to write stuff when I have been annoyed by something, hence I am back. The BBC site is really winding me up today!!

An article titled "EU commissioner slams holidays" in the Business section talks about a leading EU Commissioner and her proposals to try and improve the European economy during the summer. The article says

"The European Commission has been trying to get countries to cut back red tape and consider reducing worker and social benefits, so as to compete better with emerging overseas economies such as China - a goal shared by Britain who holds the EU Presidency until January."

Basically, they are trying to stop people from taking so much time off in the summer months and force economies to stagger the times at which they allow a lot of workers to take time off. My thoughts....bullshit. What a load of crap.

We get f*ck all time off as it is, and if I want to take my time off in August and go to Spain when it's f*cking hot...then I f*cking will!!! I don't care what some stuck up EU Commissioner sitting on a £100,000 a year salary thinks, the people of this country deserve the right to have a break from work when they see fit. No company allows their entire workforce off at the same time anyway, apart from Nokia (I think), and that's enough restriction for me!

The article ends with a great statistic that sums up exactly how bullshit the argument is

"Members of the House of Commons took no less than 80 days (holiday) this summer."

The New World Order

2005-10-06T17:21:00.000Z

As George "The Chimp" Bush continues his quest for world domination and bonus share profits for himself and his Daddy's friends, another three countries seem to have had their names dragged into the whole mess - presumably because the people that live there aren't majority white.

Excerpt from BBC News

"Mr Bush says the insurgency in Iraq is part of a much wider strategy by al-Qaeda and other Islamic militants to end US influence in the Middle East and use the subsequent vacuum to try to topple governments.

Mr Bush identified Egypt, Jordan and Pakistan as countries where the militants believed they could eventually seize control."

OK, so I'm not saying that Egypt, Jordan or Pakistan have outstanding records of human rights, or that there might not be some "insurgents" or "Terror Cells", but how much of the world is The Chimp actually going to leave alone. On the same day that our good friend Cock Cheney has said that we "must be prepared to fight the war on terror for decades", Bush is bringing more countries into the firing line. Iran is certainly next on the US Shit List with North Korea probably running a close second - is it straight onto Egypt after that??? Or maybe they'll do over Vietnam once more for a laugh, or f*ck up the French for eating snails or something.

I'd be f*cking ashamed if I'd voted Bush....on either occasion!

The Darkness

2005-10-06T10:32:00.000Z

Woke up to a very grey Leicester this morning. The temperature has definitely dropped a few degrees over the last couple of days and it is starting to look like the Autumn in settling in. We are currently losing four to five minutes of daylight per day - how crazy is that!

My housemate 'The Hosk' has jetted off to Madrid today...lucky bastard. It's 25°C and blazing sunshine there.

That's it, was just bored really and thought it would be very British of me to discuss the weather.

The Drink

2005-10-05T18:22:00.000Z

Word in the medical world these days is that stomach ulcers are not caused by stress but in fact by a strain of bacteria. Good news for us all I'm sure you'll agree, the last thing stressed people need is another medical condition to hang over their heads. C'mon, these people have the potential of high blood pressure heart attacks to contend with, give them a break. The two guys who discovered this news about ulcers have recently won the Nobel Prize...Well done them!!

I personally feel that drinking (alcohol that is) is something that is pushed along by the lifestyle that you lead. I'm not trying to justify the amount I drink or say that my job is the sole reason that I have a tipple, but it is certainly a contributing factor. The majority of full time workers know that having a quick pint or two is a fantastic way to unwind from the day and help you settle into a nice relaxed mood for the evening.

So, stress doesn't cause stomach ulcers, drinking does though - but hang on a minute...stress causes drinking...which means, pretty directly linked, stress can cause stomach ulcers.

F*cking Nobel Prize winners, think they know it all but they never cover all the angles!!

Nobel Prize Winners - Smug Tw*ts

The Hangover

2005-10-02T21:00:00.000Z

Had a pretty horrific hangover yesterday. I went out with some work colleagues on Friday night before meeting with the lads from football and going hell for leather on the alcohol. Drinks consumed on Friday night include lager (several varieties), vodka, sambuca, Makers' Mark, Jack Daniels, and a bottle of wine on the way home - just for the craic! A recipe for vomit, unfortunately not, instead I woke up pissed on Saturday and not exactly in prime condition for my first golf competition - the legendary Elm Drive Open.

Packed into a car by 10am and onto the M1 I have to admit I was stuggling to keep it together and not relishing several miles of walking and hitting a little white ball into bushes. A can of Stella on arrival at Dave's parents gaff got a little colour back in the cheeks though, and despite still feeling a bit wobbly I walked onto the first tee and proudly hit a 5 iron about 75 yards into the rough.

The Elm Drive Open was first held twelve years ago and been a high point of the Silsoe social calendar ever since. With a range of skill levels on display the competition is decided on Stableford points allowing even the aspiring amateur like myself to have a vague chance of winning. My playing partners for the day were my home boys Dave 'The Terrier' Smith - a ruthless golfer who never lets his head drop. Tom 'Shotgun' Hoskin - a master with the Warthog 3 Wood but normally held back by some reckless putting, and Tim 'The Hustler' Lawrence - yet to display the talent that hides behind the perfectly formed swing.

Play was a little slow over the first few holes as we tried to find our feet on the extremely long course. Three holes in and the prospect of four more par fives was daunting to say the least. I managed to get into my stride with a few good drives and picked up 11 points around the front nine. The others were also getting into their stride by now with Dave nailing a drive which unfortunately hit a telephone wire crossing the fairway and both Tim and Tom showing some flair chipping around the greens.

By the 16th hole my head was pounding and I'd had enough of golf for the day. However, we trekked on in the increasingly frequent showers and finished the round feeling alright about ourselves and confident that we hadn't completely embarrassed outselves.

Post match analysis of the scores showed myself to be victorious with Dave 2nd, Tom 3rd and Tim bringing up the rear. A cracking day was had by all though, and once the buffet and beer came out at the pub any bad shots and disappointment were quickly forgotten.

The Tax Dodgers

2005-09-29T14:36:00.000Z

It's official, the students have returned to Leicester! Like a plague of locusts they arrive and sweep every shop dry of bread, milk and beer within 48 hours before settling into a steady four month drinking binge.

I'd like to say that I haven't grown bitter and envious of students and their lay about lifestyle but the fact is, I have! It pains me on a day to day basis especially when I see flyers everywhere for "£1 a pint" on a Wednesday evening when drinking ten pints midweek is completely unfeasible for anyone who works. Why can't they have it on Friday and Saturday too!!

Having missed out on a cheap Wednesday drink through work commitments it then ticks me off even more when i have to step my way round four pavement pizzas on my way to work. It's bad enough that the lightweights are chucking back up the Smirnoff Ice (often the drink choice of Freshers who don't want to get too wasted in front of their new friends) they've been drinking, but the places in which they throw up are even more unacceptable. Outside our front gate, outside the entrance to the shop, right next to a pedestrian crossing where everyone stands to cross the road. What is wrong with the little f*ckers?? Whatever happened to puking in bus stops and telephone boxes - places mainly used by students and OAPs anyway - and they pay less tax than us so who cares if their public services are slightly tarnished.

So listen up students. Keep it off the streets! We don't need you to shout at the top of your voices at 3am just so we can tell how drunk you are, it's not big or clever, and you certainly ain't either!

I think I'm getting old!!

The Jumper

2005-09-27T15:56:00.000Z

Good news for my friend Jimbo today, I have finally procured a large envelope in which to send him back what you would think (from the texts / phone calls) was his most valuable possession.

The item, a navy blue jumper boldly emblazened with a picture of a Nazi car, was left at our house after Jimbo's visit a few months ago and he has been campaigning to have it returned ever since. Attempts to get it posted back by Becky, who would actually have remembered, were thwarted by me refusing to give up the jumper as I wanted to sell it on eBay. However I have now decided that I should return it.

The envelope, a large, white, padded one, will be making its way home this evening leaving the following outstanding tasks to be completed

Locate Jimbo's address on the noticeboard
Write address on envelope
Find jumper
Put jumper in envelope
Take envelope (containing jumper) to the Post Office

With it only taking about 90 days to find an envelope I anticipate the jumper arriving back in Third Reich Norwich sometime in the next 8-12 months.

The Fans

2005-09-27T00:38:00.000Z

Received some very touching comments from some friends on email today that i thought I'd share. It's nice to know that there are people in the world who recognise my achievements and aren't afraid to praise me for them.

"Bradfields is a true champion - he's got his wheelchair drivers license and a certificate from the Early Learning Centre saying he can do potato painting" - Steve

"Bradfields' GCSE results were outstanding. An E in window licking and a D in calliper control" - Pete

Thanks guys. These mean a lot!

The Overtime

2005-09-26T19:12:00.000Z

Ended up working on Saturday and Sunday afternoon this weekend which was a bit shit. I've got so much on at the moment and we are still fighting to keep even vaguely in touch with the deadlines we have so I didn't really have a lot of choice.

Sunday was much more productive than Saturday for some reason, think it was because it was a little cooler in the office, plus I was probably under more pressure to get the work done so I got my head into it a bit more.

Bought the new Burnout game for my PS2 after work on Saturday and the rest of the weekend inbetween work was pretty much dominated by that. I was amused to see that the game is rated as a U!! We were laughing at the thought of a generation of drivers to come who think it is acceptable to drive their cars into oncoming traffic due to a computer game they played as a child. Well, if according to the government it can cause murder and violent crime, why not traffic offences!!

The almighty Evington FC were unfortunately hammered 7-0 in the cup on Sunday morning. I didn't play which annoyed me, not because I thought I would have made enough of a difference for us to win, just because I would have liked to kick some of the players infliciting such a major defeat on us.

The Hurt and Anguish

2005-09-22T16:33:00.000Z

Feeling pretty pissed off today for several reasons.

Firstly I managed to pull my groin...again...playing five-a-side last night and so consequently walking / climbing stairs /coughing / sneezing are all rather uncomfortable today. And as this is the second time I've had to give up mid match in the last two weeks I am aware that it is likely to cost me three weeks to a month in recovery time if i don't want to completely do myself in. This is pissing me off even more than the pain!

Secondly we lost at football 6-3 which meant my injury was even more pointless.

Thirdly, I'm still having to do too much work. Following my rant (see 'The Smackdown') I have obviously managed to avoid a bollocking for the fact that this project isn't finished, but that doesn't mean i am having to work any less. I'm under strrict instruction to finish certain sections by tomorrow so that they can be tested but i really can't be arsed. Plus, once it gets to 5:30 and the boss goes home i know the temptation to go home for a big fat reefer and fuck it all off will become very tempting. The force is not strong in me and i am weak to the temptations of the dark side!!

And finally, my last reason for my poor mood is that i have been a little hungover today. I know that there isn't really anyone to blame for this but myself. If i hadn't gone out and had five pints of Kronenbourg before dinner last night then i would probably be feeling a lot better. Even a dirty Greggs binge at lunch didn't relieve the hangover stomach. More lager when i get out of this hell hole seems like the only solution!

The Smackdown

2005-09-21T00:32:00.000Z

Kicked off at my boss first thing this morning for his completely unrealistic deadlines. He expects me to finish a three week project in a week just because no one senior in our company actually managed to put together a decent specification or plan and so we've wasted loads of time and got stuff wrong.

It was pretty sweet because for the first time ever he had absolutely nothing, nada, zip, to say in return. He asked "why is it not going to be finished?" in an aggressive tone, and i listed the reasons in a slightly more aggresive tone. I didn't swear at him...for a change...and i think this might have been a contributing factor to my success. Once i'd finished my rant he pretty much asked if i could give it my best shot and i said yeah.

Think i might end up working on Saturday which will suck, but at least that'll mean another day off somewhere else down the line.

The Slackness

2005-09-20T11:26:00.000Z

Well, I've been very very slack again in keeping up with my blog. It's damn hard to even remember to write something never mind actually trying to write something vaguely interesting.

I've was up at my parents at the weekend so didn't do much exciting. Just chilled out, ate lots of tasty food and read and slept a lot. Drove back down to sunny Leicester on Sunday to play football; the tigerish Evington FC were victorious once again, 3-1 winners over yet another strangely named team - Toyoda Gosei!!

At work now and having a pretty hectic week, got loads done yesterday thought which has lifted the pressure enough for me to at least be able to doss about a bit!!

I'm about half way through a piece about our wonderful National Health Service so will try and finish it at some point this week. I'm gonna have to make it good now I've mentioned it!!

The Future

2005-09-16T11:24:00.000Z

Your Fortune Is

To make a long story short, don't tell it.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

The Fakers

2005-09-14T17:00:00.000Z

Was just reading through some of the reaction the England's Ashes win and found this comment left on the BBC site.

You only have to look at the headlines from the press after the first Test to see what fair-weathered fans most the country are: "You bunch of drips" - The Mirror; "Vaughan again losers" - The Sun. I guarantee the majority of those stood out in London never saw a whole cricket match before in their lives - most probably didn't even watch the first Test.

As much as I appreciate the efforts of those people who stepped out of their office this week to have a wave at the triumphant England team, i am also left wondering where the hell 500,000 English cricket fans came from. I should probably be pleased that so many new people have got into cricket and that the game has had a positive impact on so many people's lives over the summer, but for some reason I don't feel that way.

Perhaps it is jealousy that i couldn't be in London to see the team come through on the bus, but i think mainly it is the way that so many people have just jumped on the cricketing band wagon this summer. It reminds me of the couple of years that Gillingham FC got into playoff finals and all of a sudden there were 25,000 people trying to get a ticket to the game when normally Gillingham's ground wouldn't have sold out if they had been playing a friendly against Brazil!!

As i said, i don't know what it is that bothers me about this whole thing - no Bradfieldses were harmed during the celebrations in London. Something just makes me a little p*ssed about it and I needed to get it off my chest.

Glory hunters, students and the unemployed take to the streets

The Party

2005-09-13T15:10:00.000Z

Afternoon everyone. It has been a few days since my last update but I've been busy alright, so stop getting on my back about it and let me tell you what I've been doing. I played in a 5-a-side football competition on Saturday morning, the less said about that the better. Apart from the free bar and buffet afterwards there was not much to write home about. We played badly, drew two games and lost one, and the competition was won by a team with a girl in goal. Moving swiftly on, I then made the long trip down to the smoggy, expensive South to vist my old buddies Monkeyboy and the Quim in their new house in London. Two days of hazy memories are all that follow my arrival in London - we certainly laughed a lot though - my favourite lines from the weekend are listed below in no particular order

What is it Steve? Hollioaks - the ones who didn't make it
I bet you wish you hadn't got yourself into this
All of a sudden i realised i was waiting to go through customs with a gram of MDMA in my pocket
Pass the tray
See You At The Party Richter

Ashes glory has followed all with a magnificent effort by England. Best part of the last test was our destruction of the Aussie scum on Sunday morning i reckon. The fact that they didn't even manage to get as many runs as we did, when everyone said we had blown it with our first innings total, made it extra sweet.

Not much sleep for Freddie last night me thinks.

The winning team, bar two. It was like we had five more players anyway!

The Devil Mag

2005-09-08T17:50:00.000Z

How little the NME knows about its own audience was revealed today. Pete Doherty and his bummer band Babyshambles have been voted as the worst band of the year by the NME's readers. Yes that's right, the same Pete Doherty that the NME named as the coolest man on planet earth is recognised as the worthless piece of shit he is by their readers. Way to go boys, just rename your mag "No Musical Expertise" and lets be done with it.

The Foreigners

2005-09-08T15:17:00.000Z

Wow. I actually managed to find some motivation to do some work and feel i have sufficiently progressed the project I am working on this morning that i will escape any sort of bollocking from my boss despite my slackness for the last three days.

My footballing joy from the weekend was soon destroyed by a bad day on the parks on Wednesday. Firstly my team, the prodigious Evington FC, were beaten 3-1 by the bizarrely named Hat and Beaver, and then our supposed National pride and joy were soundly beaten 1-0 by Northern Ireland in possibly the most lacklustre England performance since we got beaten by Denmark two weeks ago. I am all in favour of dismembering Sven!

I was stopped by an African man on my way back to work at lunchtime. "Excuse me" he said, quickly using up the only two English words in his vocabulary, "Besa tunga". That is what is sounded like to me anyway, so obviously i asked him to repeat himself, which he did...several times...and each time getting slightly louder. I suddenly realised what all the French students that my mate Steve used to have stay with him must have felt like when Steve's mum was talking to them. "Sebastien, would you like a sandwich", "Pardon??", "Would...you...like...a..sand-wich??", "Pardon??", "WOULD...YOU...LIKE...A...SANDWICH??".

Anyway, the African dude finally pointed to his wrist making me realise he was after the time - sign language should always be the first port of call when communicating with foreigners! "Ten to two" i replied before quickly strolling off down the street. I wonder if he understood me?!?

The Laziness

2005-09-07T14:17:00.000Z

Two beers at lunchtime and i can see the productivity levels for the afternoon hitting an all time low. Not saying that I have been overly productive this morning, I'm having one of those weeks when i just can't be arsed.

I understand that there are now numerous companies within the UK that offer "Duvet Days". Basically you're allocated two days a year, which you can use at any time, where you can phone up and just say "I'm not coming in today". No dodgy excuse is required, no justification for your slackness, it is just accepted that everyone has times when they just can't be bothered.

Personally, i'm not sure if this would be of use to me. Obviously it would be great to have a couple of days every year when i could slack off for no reason whatsoever with no repercussions, but, i find that if i can't be arsed to go to work and consequently don't go, the feeling of not being arsed is doubled for the next day. Let's be honest, all having a day off does is make you realise that life is much more fun when you don't have to go to work.

I don't really know where i'm going with this, i just feel that there has to be a better way to help people get through the boredom of everyday life without going insane. i would be prepared to say no one likes going to work everyday perhaps with the following exceptions

1) Beer tasters
2) Porn stars
3) Porn photographers / camera men
4) Amsterdam coffee shop workers
5) Professional footballers
6) Astronauts

So, what can be done for the plight of modern man?? How could your working life be improved without your company suffering from a drop in productivity?? Suggestions please!

The Result

2005-09-07T09:51:00.000Z

After my whinge about the Kaiser Chiefs yesterday i was extremely relieved to see that the judging panel for the Mercury Music Prize had more sense than all the people who have purchased anything Kaiser Chief related, and gave the prize to someone else instead.

I have no idea who Antony and the Johnsons are, but they get a little bit of respect from me for their achievement!!

The Delusional

2005-09-06T16:13:00.000Z

Ha ha. Just catching up on the afternoon's sporting news and I read this line in an article about England's World Cup Qualifier against Northern lsland tomorrow

"To most people, the result is obvious - a win for Sven-Goran Eriksson's men. It is just a matter of by how many."

Oh please. I will be amazed if England manage to score more than two and in my honest opinion i reckon they will probably just scrape a 1-0 again.

The Chiefs

2005-09-06T13:53:00.000Z

Feeling much better now i've eaten. Went for a Cajun Chicken cob (that's a roll to anyone not from Leicester) and a cheese + ham bake from Greggs. I never feel 100% right about eating food from Greggs as it is so cheap that it seems there must be something a bit dirty about it, but it tastes so damn good and it is quality for soaking up alcohol after a night on the lash.

I've just read a rather disturbing article that says the Kaiser Chiefs are favourites to win the Mercury Music prize. Why???? My personal opinion is that they are probably the most annoying band on the face of the planet at this time. I hate everything about them, the way they dress, the songs they sing, their fans.

Exhibit A - The Kaiser Chiefs - Nob Jockeys

Just look at them for Christ's sake - what a bunch of muppets. And what it the style they are trying to pull off here?? The bunch of twats in uncoordinated cheap suits look?? Tossers, f*cking tossers! And to make things worse they are standing in front of a board with the word NME on it. I wonder how many blow jobs have been received by members of the Kaiser Chiefs from employees of the NME?? To be honest I reckon that is where a lot of this hatred came from, the fact that the NME gives them big respect. I pretty much despise anyone who i hear the NME like these days (The Darkness and that junkie scum from the Libertines for example). If I had a band and was famous I'd sooner have a convicted nonce promoting us than get endorsements from the NME.

Breathe...breathe...ok, rant over. They are sh*t though, and even more annoying than those mincers in the Scissor Sisters.

The Decisions

2005-09-06T13:15:00.000Z

It's nearly lunchtime on a very sunny Tuesday and I'm starting to get very peckish. I haven't quite decided what I'm going to eat for lunch today but i reckon it will probably involve some sort of sandwich or baguette and another savoury treat such as a sausage roll...mmm, sausage rolls.

I haven't had a particularly busy day today as i stayed in bed to make up for the fact that i had to get up yesterday and didn't come to work until 11. Flexitime rules! I guess I will have to do some work this afternoon though as i didn't really acheive a massive amount yesterday...too busy blogging!

The Incompetent

2005-09-05T16:11:00.000Z

Pipex are officially on my sh*t list today!!

Out internet connection has been cut off apparently because they haven't received payment despite the fact that i'm set up to pay by direct debit. So, i phone them up at lunchtime to try and resolve the problem only to be informed that their payment systems are malfunctioning and they cannot provide me with any information about my current setup or process anything new.

Am I the only one who thinks this sounds a little on the dodgy side?? Their system breaks, my direct debit doesn't go, they cut off our internet. Marvellous!

The Chimp

2005-09-05T15:10:00.000Z

George Bush is a t*sser. He's not really done anything in particular to offend me today (apart from being alive that is), i just wanted to make sure i had made my feelings about the chimp faced mother f*cker known at an early stage to avoid any confusion in the future.

The Glory

2005-09-05T14:25:00.000Z

Oh - one thing i did forget to mention is that it was a weekend of footballing success for me. Firstly i won the Player of the Season award for my five-a-side team, and then the mighty Evington FC came from 2-0 down at half time to win 5-3 against Anstey Hounds in our Sunday league game. Get in!!

The Beginning

2005-09-05T09:00:00.000Z

Monday...and I'm in work in the morning?? What the hell is going on??

Normally i don't like to work Monday mornings, they annoy me and put me on the wrong foot for the rest of the week. Unfortunately however today i had to come in and do something for one of our clients so i am in work and bored...so bored.

Didn't do much at the weekend, just ate and drank and sat around a lot. We had a BBQ which was pretty sweet but i ate far too much steak and chicken and I am still feeling pretty bloated from it all today.

I didn't bother to watch the England v Wales World Cup Qualifier as i often find England matches to be really boring. Don't think this one would have made me change my mind. How the hell the English Press can think we have any sort of chance of winning the World Cup is beyond me, especially when we watched Brazil destroy Chile 5-0 last night and they looked class (although i missed some of the goals). That's what England should be doing to smaller teams, not just getting a 1-0 win, which i understand could easily have been 1-1!!

I watched The Color of Money yesterday but where we'd recorded it off Sky+ we missed the end so having sat through two hours i didn't get to see the end which was a tad annoying. Then, my PS2 started to cock up while we were watching Operation Good Guys and we couldn't watch half an episode of that either. Obviously i wasn't meant to be my day for watching TV.