The Announcement

Speculation is growing amongst my friends today after Dave asked us all to meet in the pub tomorrow so that he could make an important announcement. This request was obviously followed by a large amount of abuse as we attempted to guess what would require such an occassion, but as the dust settles, people are starting to realise that today could be the eve of something truly immense.

"I have the feeling that this is going to be the kind of statement that rocks whole nations" said publicist and media assassin Max Clifford. "The implications of what is said could be pondered over and dissected for generations to come".

Bookmakers have taken over £3.50 in bets on the content of the announcement with that figure expected to rise to roughly £7.26 by the close of business today. "These are exciting times for punters" Ladbrokes Worldwide CEO Chris Bell excitedly ranted. "People are betting on almost anything, although monkey related bets seem very popular at the moment, along with bets on the exposure of an international bumming ring".

Tomorrow is certainly going to be an exciting day, but to give you an advantage at the bookies here are the top tips from Bradfields' Brain and its trusted affiliates.

1) Dave is gay and will be coming out tomorrow - 4-1
2) Dave has been made redundant...again - 7-1
3) Dave has been hired by a troop of travelling circus dwarves and will be taking up a career as "Lofty" - the freakishly tall dwarf - 7-2
4) A small third world country has discovered that Dave is rightful heir to the throne of their country, and have asked him to come and be King. A small human sacrifice is required to appease the gods which is where we come in - 15-1
5) Dave has won a years supply of potatoes or possibly gherkins - 5-1
6) Dave is getting married - 11-3
7) Dave has conquered his fear of small round objects and will now be able to eat beans and peas without sweating profusely - 100-1
8) Dave is getting a dog - 3-1
9) Dave is an spy like Harry in True Lies and wants us to join his spy posse - 16-1
10) Dave is going to be a daddy - 1000-1
11) Dave discovered a new world on top of a piece of cake that he found in Lucy's ear - 2-1
12) Dave, not Billy Corgan as originally suspected, is infact Kirsten Dunst in disguise - 5-1
13) Dave has unearthed highly incriminating evidence of satanic behaviour by President Bush and intends to bring down the American government - 3-1
14) Dave is giving up the crack...again - 50-1
15) Dave just wants to get everyone out for a beer - Even