First off I'd like to apologise once again to my readers for my absence over the last few weeks. I wish I could say that I had been doing something highly interesting like circumnavigating the Isle of Wight, or investigating the growing trend in wearing short skirts and wellington boots at music festivals, but alas no. As my last post stated I have instead been working.
I have managed to fit in a bit of leisure time over the last few weeks of course, including a weekend away at the internationally renound "Center Parcs" in Elvenden Forest, Suffolk. This dome enclosed tropical paradise has a reputation for being some sort of Butlins in disguise, but reality, I have to say, it is actually alright.
Ok, so yes there are pikey families about the place with their loud, screaming, obnoxious children, but the majority of these can be avoided by not hanging around in the densely chavved up areas such as the disco, adventure playground and the bowling alley. We did break these rules on one evening and were unfortunate enough to run into "G - Man" when we took part in a bit of ten pin action.
Now you would think that someone who displayed their name on a big TV screen as "G - Man" in public would at least have some sort of vaguely reputable geezer name such as Gazza, Gal or Gav....oh no. In fact, we established that his name was....Graham. So what, I hear all people called Graham shout, what's wrong with our name?? Well nothing, except if you then try to be a big man and call youself G - Man, or G - Dog, or G-Unit or pretty much G anything except G-raham. It is just wrong!! Disagree?? Lets have a look at some other people called Graham and then see what you think.
To make matters even worse, my good friend Jimmy Hill (not actually Jimmy Hill but you'd think it from his chin!!) pointed out that our Graham was "a skinny little runt who dressed like a nob, had an ugly bird, an ass like a sewer and I believe he may have bowled with the barriers up" . In my opinion this was a perfectly accurate description and it should act as a warning to you about the kind of people you can run into at Center Parcs. It can be a dangerous place!
Also, the amount of parents at the place with their kids was a disgrace. The Government should send out some sort of inspector to these places to bust all the parents who have taken their kids out of school two weeks after the end of the summer holidays in order to take them swimming everyday and slap them in public. Personally I think it is bad enough that I can't go on holiday during the actual summer because it either costs twice as much as normal, or that places are rammed with kids, without going away in September only to discover the little fuckers still aren't at school!! OK so myself and my friends may have been the worst behaved people in the swimming pool, but that isn't the point, I'm allowed to be on holiday in September, they shouldn't be!
Anyway, I seem to have digressed into pikey abuse and away from the fact that I was saying that Center Parcs is actually a pretty decent place despite the pikeys and we had a good time. We swam, played some golf and some pool and then just generally drank and sat about a lot. We also consumed a copious quantity of barbequed food.
When it comes to a group of men and BBQ the first thing is to remember that you shouldn't hold back. If there are six lads attending a BBQ then six burgers and six sausages is just never going to be enough food. A good BBQ brings out the primal, meat eating savage in every man and he is going to skip all the salad, pasta, rice etc that you have on the side and go for a pretty much 100% meat based meal. This may not even be because he isn't into all the greenery and shit that you've laid on, it is just a subconscious decision because at the end of the day, all men know that barbequed meat is the best and most nutricious food on the food chain.
We were of course the BBQ kings and ate flesh from every corner of the farmyard. Pig, chicken, baby sheep - we ate the lot and then some all cooked up on the £10 BBQ we bought from the onsite supermarket (they have all the mod cons you know!!)
Several of the pictures above were shamelessly stolen from http://rightcoastruminations