The Holiday Season

Rejoice, rejoice. The holiday season is upon us and it is time to eat too much, drink excessively and argue with your loved ones!

Christmas is normally very much the same, but this year I am off on a three week holiday to Malaysia so I expect things to be a little different.

I just wanted to leave a little message for all my fans before I go. Have a very merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year. I will be in touch with you all and I'll be continuing to blog from the other side of the world.

Let the binge culture begin!!

The Pitch

While walking to work wearing my hoodie the other day I came up with what I consider a genius pitch for a short film. The film is a short piece titled "Chav Cam" and follows a young chav on his journey through an averagely chavvy day. The film would be filmed from a 1st person perspective with the sides of a hoodie / baseball cap peak in view on camera at all times.

A picture showing costume ideas for the film

Obviously due to its huge marketing potential I don't want to give too much away, but below is a short extract from the first draft of the screenplay. Unfortunately during my background research I discovered a website containing a passage which follows the very same idea. In fact, the mofos even have a very appropriate domain name registered and a website surrounding the passage. I would like to say that I was unaware that this site existed when I had my idea and that I have not taken any content from this site into my work. The basis of their whole site is just a small part of my masterplan, plus I'm straight gangsta and from the streets of Chatham - nuffink can take that away from me!

Yes, you are a chav. Well done!

Choose chav. Choose the dole. Choose to shop in Primark. Choose a fucking big sovereign. Choose Kappa slappers, Burberry, trackie dags and tastelessly modified cars. Choose Maccy D’s, Lambert & Butler, and Smirnoff Ice. Choose loitering in shopping centres. Choose a street corner. Choose your ASBO mates. Choose hoodies and baseball caps. Choose a six-piece moving clown necklace on a week by week credit plan. Choose spending your child benefits in Oxfam so you can still afford some White Lighting to drink in the park later. Choose underage sex, teenage pregnancy and providing pikeys with a social underclass. Choose rotting away in the same place you were born, still gawping at the scantily clad girls with council-flat face lifts as you walk your pit-bull round the park and try to remember exactly how many kids you managed to have.

Choose no future.

Choose chav.

The Announcement - Part Deux

Thursday night and it was almost time. Two days of anticipation would be ended in just a few minutes as Dave prepared to make his big announcement. Everyone had made it out for the occasion - Hugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Jimbo?? Yes, that's right; Dave’s "big" announcement was that the forgotten brother had returned to Leicester.

Jimbo claimed that he was there for a weekend of carnage - drinking, smoking and animal slaughter were all on the agenda - but my suspicion was that he had only made the trip to get his favourite VW Beetle jumper back so that he could wear it on the pull round Norwich - vroom vroom.

Thursday evening quickly deteriorated into a drunken mess. In order to get in the party spirit, and obviously unaware of what was going to be expected of me that evening, I had put away four cans of Kronenbourg at home. This combined with more Kronenbourg, Sambuca, Havana Ice Tea, more lager and some weird Belgian shit led to a reasonable amount of memory loss, and me still being steaming drunk when I got up for work in the morning.

Life would have been better on Friday had I not felt so betrayed by the whole situation. People outside our group of friends may think that the announcement was a disappointment - this was not the case for us at all. The disappointing thing was the fact that Dave had secretly got Jimbo up on a Thursday, knowing full well that everyone was going to get steaming, and then booked the Friday off work leaving the rest of us to face the music, still drunk, on Friday morning.

Needless to say, once I had received a text message from Jimbo at 10:30am telling me that he was still lying in bed, work did not last long. I wrote a very honest email to my boss explaining that I had got drunk the night before, picked up my things, and headed home.

The rest of the weekend is mainly a heavily drunken blur. Corona for lunch and Kronenbourg for dinner led to the house looking like a bomb site by morning. Not to mention the sheets in the spare room at Dave's which apparently ended up a strange luminous green colour.



A Damien Hirst picture showing the effects of a night of passion with Jimbo

The Announcement

Speculation is growing amongst my friends today after Dave asked us all to meet in the pub tomorrow so that he could make an important announcement. This request was obviously followed by a large amount of abuse as we attempted to guess what would require such an occassion, but as the dust settles, people are starting to realise that today could be the eve of something truly immense.

"I have the feeling that this is going to be the kind of statement that rocks whole nations" said publicist and media assassin Max Clifford. "The implications of what is said could be pondered over and dissected for generations to come".

Bookmakers have taken over £3.50 in bets on the content of the announcement with that figure expected to rise to roughly £7.26 by the close of business today. "These are exciting times for punters" Ladbrokes Worldwide CEO Chris Bell excitedly ranted. "People are betting on almost anything, although monkey related bets seem very popular at the moment, along with bets on the exposure of an international bumming ring".

Tomorrow is certainly going to be an exciting day, but to give you an advantage at the bookies here are the top tips from Bradfields' Brain and its trusted affiliates.

1) Dave is gay and will be coming out tomorrow - 4-1
2) Dave has been made redundant...again - 7-1
3) Dave has been hired by a troop of travelling circus dwarves and will be taking up a career as "Lofty" - the freakishly tall dwarf - 7-2
4) A small third world country has discovered that Dave is rightful heir to the throne of their country, and have asked him to come and be King. A small human sacrifice is required to appease the gods which is where we come in - 15-1
5) Dave has won a years supply of potatoes or possibly gherkins - 5-1
6) Dave is getting married - 11-3
7) Dave has conquered his fear of small round objects and will now be able to eat beans and peas without sweating profusely - 100-1
8) Dave is getting a dog - 3-1
9) Dave is an spy like Harry in True Lies and wants us to join his spy posse - 16-1
10) Dave is going to be a daddy - 1000-1
11) Dave discovered a new world on top of a piece of cake that he found in Lucy's ear - 2-1
12) Dave, not Billy Corgan as originally suspected, is infact Kirsten Dunst in disguise - 5-1
13) Dave has unearthed highly incriminating evidence of satanic behaviour by President Bush and intends to bring down the American government - 3-1
14) Dave is giving up the crack...again - 50-1
15) Dave just wants to get everyone out for a beer - Even

The Monkey Workforce

‘Kelly - Customer Service Representative’. Her blue badge with neatly embossed white text is pinned proudly to a smart, but perhaps a little Stewardess-like, uniform. Unfortunately, this is where any sort of professionalism ends. At the risk of sounding like I’m fifty…again…I remember when going to the bank meant you were met at the counter by someone who would tend to all your financial needs attentively and quickly. Nowadays it’s more likely to be a spotty faced teen who would look much more at home behind a till at MacDonald’s. More annoying than this is that the little scrote would rather talk to the other undereducated part timer next to her than actually pay attention as she accidentally transfers half your life savings to the account of some Nigerian email scammer she happened to be reading about at the same time.




Computer says no

OK, so I may be getting a little melodramatic, but it just seems to me that the quality of service we have become accustomed to in this country is completely unacceptable. Walk into your average High Street store and you are likely to find it pretty hard to get any detailed information about anything that particular shop is selling. The staff in JJB won’t be able to tell you which tennis racket is the best choice for practice or which trainers are best for running on the street, because they haven’t got a clue themselves! It seems that the staff turnover is so quick in shops these days that they just can’t be bothered to train their staff in anything apart from standing around and looking inattentive.

I personally find it extremely annoying as I have always been someone who has taken the time to get to know about the job they are doing no matter what it is. I have a reasonable knowledge of photocopiers and fax machines, could help you choose a new fan belt for your car, know which items are most high risk to shoplifters and would feel confident working behind any bar in the country. None of these have anything to do with my current profession or have a massive purpose, but at least I learnt something during the many wasted hours of part time and temporary work instead of just bitching about it and not giving a toss!

With the number of companies moving over to purely telephone service on the increase, it would be nice to be able to say that the service received from the telephone centres was better. Unfortunately, if anything, it is worse. The biggest problem I have noticed with telephone centres is that the basic premise of “The customer is always right” is something that does not exist to these people. If you stand in a shop and kick up a fuss then you will be treated respectfully and normally get whatever the problem is resolved pretty quickly. When dealing with call centres however, where there aren’t more customers standing around to see how the company deals with a complaint, you have to employ different tactics in order to get any sort of satisfactory outcome.

Reasons To Hate Call Centres

1) Most telephone call centre staff will be reading from or quoting directly from a pre-prepared script and therefore are unlikely to be able to answer too many complicated questions or give you any useful advice.

2) Listen to the number of times someone working in a call centre uses your name when you are on the phone to them. The repetition of your name is supposed to make your call feel “personalised and wanted” not, as is actually the case, make you feel like a small child or some sort of retard.

3) The blame game – When dealing with a company that has call centres and high street shops / branches the following rules apply
- The branch will always blame the call centre for a mistake
- The call centre will always blame the branch for a mistake
- The call centre is normally to blame

Next time you're faced with a customer services nightmare just remember not to take any crap. The average shop assistant / telephone operator has an IQ of below 100 and that should mean you can get whatever you want out of the large faceless corporation they work for. Giving you whatever pitiful compensation you have asked for isn't going to affect whether Rosie, the six year old daughter of the CEO, gets her pony for Christmas – so why should they care??


Have a pointless and insane argument ready – it leads to confusion and ultimately to success

The Return

Wow, how slack have I been!! Not a single post since 24th October and nothing of even vague relevance since before then.

Firstly I will just briefly explain the last post before this one. Basically I saw that image thing on some site which said I could put it in my blog and it will pull pictures from my Flickr account. No, they aren't lying, it really does do that, but at the moment I have not uploaded any good pictures to my Flickr account and hence there are only four images of adverse weather conditions. I promise to try and put something more fun in there soon.

Anyway, I am currently sitting at work supposedly testing a system I have just launched. Only problem is that testing is perhaps the least favourite part of my job. I care so little about it that I am writing this instead of doing it and therefore taking the risk of getting shouted at my boss when, inevitably, a bug which i should have found during testing gets exposed by the client. I'm such a rebel!!

Truth is, it is a fucking pointless exercise getting the person that wrote a system to test it because by the time I've spent a month working on something, my brain is almost programmed not to do anything that might potentially break it. It isn't a deliberate move, just the way that a geeky programmer brain like mine works. It is just one of those things.

Surely I must be boring anyone reading this by now, I'm boring myself for fucks sake!!

Adios for now, will try to write something non work related and more amusing soon.

The Slideshow Test

Flash Slideshow

The Tunnel Rats

Spent the weekend in London which I found to be very enjoyable apart from the travelling. Travelling from Leicester to Kings Cross is a breeze, an hour and fifteen minutes on a fast train with free tea and coffee or reasonably priced cans of Stella if you wish. The fact that the ticket itself costs nearly forty quid can even be forgotten when the journey is as hassle free as this one. It is on arrival in London that things can, and normally do, go tits up.

I had been warned in advance that the first tube I would normally get on, a southbound Northern Line train from Kings Cross to Bank, would not be running. Apparently a few trains on the Northern Line had randomly driven through red signals earlier in the week and the drivers had walked out, refusing to drive them again until proper safety checks had been carried out. The London Transport explanation was of course "a problem with the signalling system" - just a small understatement there then!!

Always wanting to be on the safe side when travelling in London I then proceeded to check with a member of staff that it was possible to travel from Kings Cross to Bank via the Circle Line. The sensible answer to this question, I later discovered, would have been "No, but you can catch it to Monument and then it's a two minute walk through the station. Instead however I was told "No this isn't possible" and the trained monkey then proceeded to rattle off two alternative routes, the second of which I just managed to make out.

Being sent on a route that is going to take 10-15 minutes extra would not necessarily be a big deal if the tube was a nice way to travel but in fact it is a hot, stinking, filthy and ancient collection of crusty grey tunnels and even crustier, greyer rat like people who ride the thing on a daily basis in an attempt to get to and from work faster than walking. The smell of some people riding the tube can make you want to vomit immediately, especially if you are crammed in a corner with a fat guy exposing his sweaty armpit directly in front of your face as he holds on for dear life.

It took me as long to get from Kings Cross to the Isle of Dogs as it did to get from Leicester to Kings Cross and I had probably travelled less than 5% of the distance. At least the last part of the journey was on the DLR which is, at the moment, cleaner and therefore slightly less offensive. Journeys later in the weekend were just as bad. Over an hour and a half to get to the dog track in Walthamstow from the Isle of Dogs, and another hour and a half journey from the Isle of Dogs back to Kings Cross when I returned to Leicester.

It would be alright for the residents of London if there were a better way to travel but unfortunately the entire public transport system is pretty diabolical. I had to catch a bus on Sunday morning, which at the time of suggestion seemed like a great idea. "Get the bus not the tube" Dave said. "It's quicker and it goes from the end of the road". Within ten seconds of getting on I was regretting my decision as apart from there being no seats, it was extremely hot, and I couldn't see out of a window making it almost impossible to tell whether I was getting close to my destination. Finally escaped the bus at Liverpool Street and caught the tube, again, for half an hour back to the Isle of Dogs feeling hot and sweaty and with my nose full of some disgusting black crap that seems to accumulate the longer you spend on the tube.

So, you might have guessed that my overall opinion of London transport is not a particularly good one, it is just a relief to me that I don't have to use it very often!!

The Holiday

77 days to go [EDIT] Now that I'm sober, it actually appears to be 81 days until my holiday. God damn it!!

The Bare Faced Cheek

Back again. I've been struggling to come up with good topics to cover in my blog recently, as I have said before, it's pretty tough to write random b*llox on a daily basis.

I'm a little hot headed (to say the least), and my friends would probably all confirm that I can be known to rant on occasion. Therefore it seems to be easier for me to write stuff when I have been annoyed by something, hence I am back. The BBC site is really winding me up today!!

An article titled "EU commissioner slams holidays" in the Business section talks about a leading EU Commissioner and her proposals to try and improve the European economy during the summer. The article says

"The European Commission has been trying to get countries to cut back red tape and consider reducing worker and social benefits, so as to compete better with emerging overseas economies such as China - a goal shared by Britain who holds the EU Presidency until January."

Basically, they are trying to stop people from taking so much time off in the summer months and force economies to stagger the times at which they allow a lot of workers to take time off. My thoughts....bullshit. What a load of crap.

We get f*ck all time off as it is, and if I want to take my time off in August and go to Spain when it's f*cking hot...then I f*cking will!!! I don't care what some stuck up EU Commissioner sitting on a £100,000 a year salary thinks, the people of this country deserve the right to have a break from work when they see fit. No company allows their entire workforce off at the same time anyway, apart from Nokia (I think), and that's enough restriction for me!

The article ends with a great statistic that sums up exactly how bullshit the argument is

"Members of the House of Commons took no less than 80 days (holiday) this summer."

The New World Order

As George "The Chimp" Bush continues his quest for world domination and bonus share profits for himself and his Daddy's friends, another three countries seem to have had their names dragged into the whole mess - presumably because the people that live there aren't majority white.

Excerpt from BBC News

"Mr Bush says the insurgency in Iraq is part of a much wider strategy by al-Qaeda and other Islamic militants to end US influence in the Middle East and use the subsequent vacuum to try to topple governments.

Mr Bush identified Egypt, Jordan and Pakistan as countries where the militants believed they could eventually seize control."

OK, so I'm not saying that Egypt, Jordan or Pakistan have outstanding records of human rights, or that there might not be some "insurgents" or "Terror Cells", but how much of the world is The Chimp actually going to leave alone. On the same day that our good friend Cock Cheney has said that we "must be prepared to fight the war on terror for decades", Bush is bringing more countries into the firing line. Iran is certainly next on the US Shit List with North Korea probably running a close second - is it straight onto Egypt after that??? Or maybe they'll do over Vietnam once more for a laugh, or f*ck up the French for eating snails or something.

I'd be f*cking ashamed if I'd voted Bush....on either occasion!

The Darkness

Woke up to a very grey Leicester this morning. The temperature has definitely dropped a few degrees over the last couple of days and it is starting to look like the Autumn in settling in. We are currently losing four to five minutes of daylight per day - how crazy is that!

My housemate 'The Hosk' has jetted off to Madrid today...lucky bastard. It's 25°C and blazing sunshine there.

That's it, was just bored really and thought it would be very British of me to discuss the weather.

The Drink

Word in the medical world these days is that stomach ulcers are not caused by stress but in fact by a strain of bacteria. Good news for us all I'm sure you'll agree, the last thing stressed people need is another medical condition to hang over their heads. C'mon, these people have the potential of high blood pressure heart attacks to contend with, give them a break. The two guys who discovered this news about ulcers have recently won the Nobel Prize...Well done them!!

I personally feel that drinking (alcohol that is) is something that is pushed along by the lifestyle that you lead. I'm not trying to justify the amount I drink or say that my job is the sole reason that I have a tipple, but it is certainly a contributing factor. The majority of full time workers know that having a quick pint or two is a fantastic way to unwind from the day and help you settle into a nice relaxed mood for the evening.

So, stress doesn't cause stomach ulcers, drinking does though - but hang on a minute...stress causes drinking...which means, pretty directly linked, stress can cause stomach ulcers.

F*cking Nobel Prize winners, think they know it all but they never cover all the angles!!

Nobel Prize Winners - Smug Tw*ts

The Hangover

Had a pretty horrific hangover yesterday. I went out with some work colleagues on Friday night before meeting with the lads from football and going hell for leather on the alcohol. Drinks consumed on Friday night include lager (several varieties), vodka, sambuca, Makers' Mark, Jack Daniels, and a bottle of wine on the way home - just for the craic! A recipe for vomit, unfortunately not, instead I woke up pissed on Saturday and not exactly in prime condition for my first golf competition - the legendary Elm Drive Open.

Packed into a car by 10am and onto the M1 I have to admit I was stuggling to keep it together and not relishing several miles of walking and hitting a little white ball into bushes. A can of Stella on arrival at Dave's parents gaff got a little colour back in the cheeks though, and despite still feeling a bit wobbly I walked onto the first tee and proudly hit a 5 iron about 75 yards into the rough.

The Elm Drive Open was first held twelve years ago and been a high point of the Silsoe social calendar ever since. With a range of skill levels on display the competition is decided on Stableford points allowing even the aspiring amateur like myself to have a vague chance of winning. My playing partners for the day were my home boys Dave 'The Terrier' Smith - a ruthless golfer who never lets his head drop. Tom 'Shotgun' Hoskin - a master with the Warthog 3 Wood but normally held back by some reckless putting, and Tim 'The Hustler' Lawrence - yet to display the talent that hides behind the perfectly formed swing.

Play was a little slow over the first few holes as we tried to find our feet on the extremely long course. Three holes in and the prospect of four more par fives was daunting to say the least. I managed to get into my stride with a few good drives and picked up 11 points around the front nine. The others were also getting into their stride by now with Dave nailing a drive which unfortunately hit a telephone wire crossing the fairway and both Tim and Tom showing some flair chipping around the greens.

By the 16th hole my head was pounding and I'd had enough of golf for the day. However, we trekked on in the increasingly frequent showers and finished the round feeling alright about ourselves and confident that we hadn't completely embarrassed outselves.

Post match analysis of the scores showed myself to be victorious with Dave 2nd, Tom 3rd and Tim bringing up the rear. A cracking day was had by all though, and once the buffet and beer came out at the pub any bad shots and disappointment were quickly forgotten.

The Tax Dodgers

It's official, the students have returned to Leicester! Like a plague of locusts they arrive and sweep every shop dry of bread, milk and beer within 48 hours before settling into a steady four month drinking binge.

I'd like to say that I haven't grown bitter and envious of students and their lay about lifestyle but the fact is, I have! It pains me on a day to day basis especially when I see flyers everywhere for "£1 a pint" on a Wednesday evening when drinking ten pints midweek is completely unfeasible for anyone who works. Why can't they have it on Friday and Saturday too!!

Having missed out on a cheap Wednesday drink through work commitments it then ticks me off even more when i have to step my way round four pavement pizzas on my way to work. It's bad enough that the lightweights are chucking back up the Smirnoff Ice (often the drink choice of Freshers who don't want to get too wasted in front of their new friends) they've been drinking, but the places in which they throw up are even more unacceptable. Outside our front gate, outside the entrance to the shop, right next to a pedestrian crossing where everyone stands to cross the road. What is wrong with the little f*ckers?? Whatever happened to puking in bus stops and telephone boxes - places mainly used by students and OAPs anyway - and they pay less tax than us so who cares if their public services are slightly tarnished.

So listen up students. Keep it off the streets! We don't need you to shout at the top of your voices at 3am just so we can tell how drunk you are, it's not big or clever, and you certainly ain't either!

I think I'm getting old!!

The Jumper

Good news for my friend Jimbo today, I have finally procured a large envelope in which to send him back what you would think (from the texts / phone calls) was his most valuable possession.

The item, a navy blue jumper boldly emblazened with a picture of a Nazi car, was left at our house after Jimbo's visit a few months ago and he has been campaigning to have it returned ever since. Attempts to get it posted back by Becky, who would actually have remembered, were thwarted by me refusing to give up the jumper as I wanted to sell it on eBay. However I have now decided that I should return it.

The envelope, a large, white, padded one, will be making its way home this evening leaving the following outstanding tasks to be completed

• Locate Jimbo's address on the noticeboard
• Write address on envelope
• Find jumper
• Put jumper in envelope
• Take envelope (containing jumper) to the Post Office

With it only taking about 90 days to find an envelope I anticipate the jumper arriving back in Third Reich Norwich sometime in the next 8-12 months.

The Fans

Received some very touching comments from some friends on email today that i thought I'd share. It's nice to know that there are people in the world who recognise my achievements and aren't afraid to praise me for them.

"Bradfields is a true champion - he's got his wheelchair drivers license and a certificate from the Early Learning Centre saying he can do potato painting" - Steve

"Bradfields' GCSE results were outstanding. An E in window licking and a D in calliper control" - Pete

Thanks guys. These mean a lot!

The Overtime

Ended up working on Saturday and Sunday afternoon this weekend which was a bit shit. I've got so much on at the moment and we are still fighting to keep even vaguely in touch with the deadlines we have so I didn't really have a lot of choice.

Sunday was much more productive than Saturday for some reason, think it was because it was a little cooler in the office, plus I was probably under more pressure to get the work done so I got my head into it a bit more.

Bought the new Burnout game for my PS2 after work on Saturday and the rest of the weekend inbetween work was pretty much dominated by that. I was amused to see that the game is rated as a U!! We were laughing at the thought of a generation of drivers to come who think it is acceptable to drive their cars into oncoming traffic due to a computer game they played as a child. Well, if according to the government it can cause murder and violent crime, why not traffic offences!!

The almighty Evington FC were unfortunately hammered 7-0 in the cup on Sunday morning. I didn't play which annoyed me, not because I thought I would have made enough of a difference for us to win, just because I would have liked to kick some of the players infliciting such a major defeat on us.

The Hurt and Anguish

Feeling pretty pissed off today for several reasons.

Firstly I managed to pull my groin...again...playing five-a-side last night and so consequently walking / climbing stairs /coughing / sneezing are all rather uncomfortable today. And as this is the second time I've had to give up mid match in the last two weeks I am aware that it is likely to cost me three weeks to a month in recovery time if i don't want to completely do myself in. This is pissing me off even more than the pain!

Secondly we lost at football 6-3 which meant my injury was even more pointless.

Thirdly, I'm still having to do too much work. Following my rant (see 'The Smackdown') I have obviously managed to avoid a bollocking for the fact that this project isn't finished, but that doesn't mean i am having to work any less. I'm under strrict instruction to finish certain sections by tomorrow so that they can be tested but i really can't be arsed. Plus, once it gets to 5:30 and the boss goes home i know the temptation to go home for a big fat reefer and fuck it all off will become very tempting. The force is not strong in me and i am weak to the temptations of the dark side!!

And finally, my last reason for my poor mood is that i have been a little hungover today. I know that there isn't really anyone to blame for this but myself. If i hadn't gone out and had five pints of Kronenbourg before dinner last night then i would probably be feeling a lot better. Even a dirty Greggs binge at lunch didn't relieve the hangover stomach. More lager when i get out of this hell hole seems like the only solution!

The Smackdown

Kicked off at my boss first thing this morning for his completely unrealistic deadlines. He expects me to finish a three week project in a week just because no one senior in our company actually managed to put together a decent specification or plan and so we've wasted loads of time and got stuff wrong.

It was pretty sweet because for the first time ever he had absolutely nothing, nada, zip, to say in return. He asked "why is it not going to be finished?" in an aggressive tone, and i listed the reasons in a slightly more aggresive tone. I didn't swear at him...for a change...and i think this might have been a contributing factor to my success. Once i'd finished my rant he pretty much asked if i could give it my best shot and i said yeah.

Think i might end up working on Saturday which will suck, but at least that'll mean another day off somewhere else down the line.

The Slackness

Well, I've been very very slack again in keeping up with my blog. It's damn hard to even remember to write something never mind actually trying to write something vaguely interesting.

I've was up at my parents at the weekend so didn't do much exciting. Just chilled out, ate lots of tasty food and read and slept a lot. Drove back down to sunny Leicester on Sunday to play football; the tigerish Evington FC were victorious once again, 3-1 winners over yet another strangely named team - Toyoda Gosei!!

At work now and having a pretty hectic week, got loads done yesterday thought which has lifted the pressure enough for me to at least be able to doss about a bit!!

I'm about half way through a piece about our wonderful National Health Service so will try and finish it at some point this week. I'm gonna have to make it good now I've mentioned it!!

The Future

Your Fortune Is

To make a long story short, don't tell it.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

The Fakers

Was just reading through some of the reaction the England's Ashes win and found this comment left on the BBC site.

You only have to look at the headlines from the press after the first Test to see what fair-weathered fans most the country are: "You bunch of drips" - The Mirror; "Vaughan again losers" - The Sun. I guarantee the majority of those stood out in London never saw a whole cricket match before in their lives - most probably didn't even watch the first Test.

As much as I appreciate the efforts of those people who stepped out of their office this week to have a wave at the triumphant England team, i am also left wondering where the hell 500,000 English cricket fans came from. I should probably be pleased that so many new people have got into cricket and that the game has had a positive impact on so many people's lives over the summer, but for some reason I don't feel that way.

Perhaps it is jealousy that i couldn't be in London to see the team come through on the bus, but i think mainly it is the way that so many people have just jumped on the cricketing band wagon this summer. It reminds me of the couple of years that Gillingham FC got into playoff finals and all of a sudden there were 25,000 people trying to get a ticket to the game when normally Gillingham's ground wouldn't have sold out if they had been playing a friendly against Brazil!!

As i said, i don't know what it is that bothers me about this whole thing - no Bradfieldses were harmed during the celebrations in London. Something just makes me a little p*ssed about it and I needed to get it off my chest.

Glory hunters, students and the unemployed take to the streets

The Party

Afternoon everyone. It has been a few days since my last update but I've been busy alright, so stop getting on my back about it and let me tell you what I've been doing. I played in a 5-a-side football competition on Saturday morning, the less said about that the better. Apart from the free bar and buffet afterwards there was not much to write home about. We played badly, drew two games and lost one, and the competition was won by a team with a girl in goal. Moving swiftly on, I then made the long trip down to the smoggy, expensive South to vist my old buddies Monkeyboy and the Quim in their new house in London. Two days of hazy memories are all that follow my arrival in London - we certainly laughed a lot though - my favourite lines from the weekend are listed below in no particular order

• What is it Steve? Hollioaks - the ones who didn't make it
• I bet you wish you hadn't got yourself into this
• All of a sudden i realised i was waiting to go through customs with a gram of MDMA in my pocket
• Pass the tray
• See You At The Party Richter

Ashes glory has followed all with a magnificent effort by England. Best part of the last test was our destruction of the Aussie scum on Sunday morning i reckon. The fact that they didn't even manage to get as many runs as we did, when everyone said we had blown it with our first innings total, made it extra sweet.

Not much sleep for Freddie last night me thinks.

The winning team, bar two. It was like we had five more players anyway!

The Devil Mag

How little the NME knows about its own audience was revealed today. Pete Doherty and his bummer band Babyshambles have been voted as the worst band of the year by the NME's readers. Yes that's right, the same Pete Doherty that the NME named as the coolest man on planet earth is recognised as the worthless piece of shit he is by their readers. Way to go boys, just rename your mag "No Musical Expertise" and lets be done with it.

The Foreigners

Wow. I actually managed to find some motivation to do some work and feel i have sufficiently progressed the project I am working on this morning that i will escape any sort of bollocking from my boss despite my slackness for the last three days.

My footballing joy from the weekend was soon destroyed by a bad day on the parks on Wednesday. Firstly my team, the prodigious Evington FC, were beaten 3-1 by the bizarrely named Hat and Beaver, and then our supposed National pride and joy were soundly beaten 1-0 by Northern Ireland in possibly the most lacklustre England performance since we got beaten by Denmark two weeks ago. I am all in favour of dismembering Sven!

I was stopped by an African man on my way back to work at lunchtime. "Excuse me" he said, quickly using up the only two English words in his vocabulary, "Besa tunga". That is what is sounded like to me anyway, so obviously i asked him to repeat himself, which he did...several times...and each time getting slightly louder. I suddenly realised what all the French students that my mate Steve used to have stay with him must have felt like when Steve's mum was talking to them. "Sebastien, would you like a sandwich", "Pardon??", "Would...you...like...a..sand-wich??", "Pardon??", "WOULD...YOU...LIKE...A...SANDWICH??".

Anyway, the African dude finally pointed to his wrist making me realise he was after the time - sign language should always be the first port of call when communicating with foreigners! "Ten to two" i replied before quickly strolling off down the street. I wonder if he understood me?!?

The Laziness

Two beers at lunchtime and i can see the productivity levels for the afternoon hitting an all time low. Not saying that I have been overly productive this morning, I'm having one of those weeks when i just can't be arsed.

I understand that there are now numerous companies within the UK that offer "Duvet Days". Basically you're allocated two days a year, which you can use at any time, where you can phone up and just say "I'm not coming in today". No dodgy excuse is required, no justification for your slackness, it is just accepted that everyone has times when they just can't be bothered.

Personally, i'm not sure if this would be of use to me. Obviously it would be great to have a couple of days every year when i could slack off for no reason whatsoever with no repercussions, but, i find that if i can't be arsed to go to work and consequently don't go, the feeling of not being arsed is doubled for the next day. Let's be honest, all having a day off does is make you realise that life is much more fun when you don't have to go to work.

I don't really know where i'm going with this, i just feel that there has to be a better way to help people get through the boredom of everyday life without going insane. i would be prepared to say no one likes going to work everyday perhaps with the following exceptions

1) Beer tasters
2) Porn stars
3) Porn photographers / camera men
4) Amsterdam coffee shop workers
5) Professional footballers
6) Astronauts

So, what can be done for the plight of modern man?? How could your working life be improved without your company suffering from a drop in productivity?? Suggestions please!

The Result

After my whinge about the Kaiser Chiefs yesterday i was extremely relieved to see that the judging panel for the Mercury Music Prize had more sense than all the people who have purchased anything Kaiser Chief related, and gave the prize to someone else instead.

I have no idea who Antony and the Johnsons are, but they get a little bit of respect from me for their achievement!!

The Delusional

Ha ha. Just catching up on the afternoon's sporting news and I read this line in an article about England's World Cup Qualifier against Northern lsland tomorrow

"To most people, the result is obvious - a win for Sven-Goran Eriksson's men. It is just a matter of by how many."

Oh please. I will be amazed if England manage to score more than two and in my honest opinion i reckon they will probably just scrape a 1-0 again.

The Chiefs

Feeling much better now i've eaten. Went for a Cajun Chicken cob (that's a roll to anyone not from Leicester) and a cheese + ham bake from Greggs. I never feel 100% right about eating food from Greggs as it is so cheap that it seems there must be something a bit dirty about it, but it tastes so damn good and it is quality for soaking up alcohol after a night on the lash.

I've just read a rather disturbing article that says the Kaiser Chiefs are favourites to win the Mercury Music prize. Why???? My personal opinion is that they are probably the most annoying band on the face of the planet at this time. I hate everything about them, the way they dress, the songs they sing, their fans.

Exhibit A - The Kaiser Chiefs - Nob Jockeys

Just look at them for Christ's sake - what a bunch of muppets. And what it the style they are trying to pull off here?? The bunch of twats in uncoordinated cheap suits look?? Tossers, f*cking tossers! And to make things worse they are standing in front of a board with the word NME on it. I wonder how many blow jobs have been received by members of the Kaiser Chiefs from employees of the NME?? To be honest I reckon that is where a lot of this hatred came from, the fact that the NME gives them big respect. I pretty much despise anyone who i hear the NME like these days (The Darkness and that junkie scum from the Libertines for example). If I had a band and was famous I'd sooner have a convicted nonce promoting us than get endorsements from the NME.

Breathe...breathe...ok, rant over. They are sh*t though, and even more annoying than those mincers in the Scissor Sisters.

The Decisions

It's nearly lunchtime on a very sunny Tuesday and I'm starting to get very peckish. I haven't quite decided what I'm going to eat for lunch today but i reckon it will probably involve some sort of sandwich or baguette and another savoury treat such as a sausage roll...mmm, sausage rolls.

I haven't had a particularly busy day today as i stayed in bed to make up for the fact that i had to get up yesterday and didn't come to work until 11. Flexitime rules! I guess I will have to do some work this afternoon though as i didn't really acheive a massive amount yesterday...too busy blogging!

The Incompetent

Pipex are officially on my sh*t list today!!

Out internet connection has been cut off apparently because they haven't received payment despite the fact that i'm set up to pay by direct debit. So, i phone them up at lunchtime to try and resolve the problem only to be informed that their payment systems are malfunctioning and they cannot provide me with any information about my current setup or process anything new.

Am I the only one who thinks this sounds a little on the dodgy side?? Their system breaks, my direct debit doesn't go, they cut off our internet. Marvellous!

The Chimp

George Bush is a t*sser. He's not really done anything in particular to offend me today (apart from being alive that is), i just wanted to make sure i had made my feelings about the chimp faced mother f*cker known at an early stage to avoid any confusion in the future.

The Glory

Oh - one thing i did forget to mention is that it was a weekend of footballing success for me. Firstly i won the Player of the Season award for my five-a-side team, and then the mighty Evington FC came from 2-0 down at half time to win 5-3 against Anstey Hounds in our Sunday league game. Get in!!

The Beginning

Monday...and I'm in work in the morning?? What the hell is going on??

Normally i don't like to work Monday mornings, they annoy me and put me on the wrong foot for the rest of the week. Unfortunately however today i had to come in and do something for one of our clients so i am in work and bored...so bored.

Didn't do much at the weekend, just ate and drank and sat around a lot. We had a BBQ which was pretty sweet but i ate far too much steak and chicken and I am still feeling pretty bloated from it all today.

I didn't bother to watch the England v Wales World Cup Qualifier as i often find England matches to be really boring. Don't think this one would have made me change my mind. How the hell the English Press can think we have any sort of chance of winning the World Cup is beyond me, especially when we watched Brazil destroy Chile 5-0 last night and they looked class (although i missed some of the goals). That's what England should be doing to smaller teams, not just getting a 1-0 win, which i understand could easily have been 1-1!!

I watched The Color of Money yesterday but where we'd recorded it off Sky+ we missed the end so having sat through two hours i didn't get to see the end which was a tad annoying. Then, my PS2 started to cock up while we were watching Operation Good Guys and we couldn't watch half an episode of that either. Obviously i wasn't meant to be my day for watching TV.